jet skis.

we took them down carefully
the sun lapping at our shoulders while the waves slurped us into its mouth
without care

i happen to admire things with engines
& a small element of danger
anything loud and obnoxious and carefree
that in all reality will not harm a bone in my body
unless something malfunctions

we took them away
skampering across the water like a child
the sun kissing over its head, under its chin in a park
the kind of scenery that makes you fall in love with life

Kristen like a bird in a nest
her backbone tight and high

we were almost to the big lake when the beep came across the water
like a fire alarm, loud and tart, startling us from sleep
cut through the quiet waves and Kristen yells
"SHITTTT" and turned the machine
large and like a robot under her
back
be
bee
beeping the whole way

like a fart. 

Yeshimon

June 26, 2015

The head was heavy. I never expected on this trip to hold my best friends brown head in my palm because she had lost control of her neck—because somewhere between A and B her entire body shut off completely.

There were commands from the nurses—Move the braid, add the cool neck towel, keep her ears uncovered, drop her arms and then cool the forehead, remove the shoes, feed her a bite & then another.

There was enough water in her system, three liters to be exact—not counting all the water we shoved down her throat after her body gave out. And yes, she had enough sport beans, so stop trying to over analyze the situation. Still, the very strength from her elbows, her toes—all those places you don’t think of as strong—had lost all function.

I want to be clear, it wasn’t that she couldn’t keep climbing. She climbed and unclimbed Mt Sinai just like the rest of us. She taught me on the stairs as we trained that we can do another, we CAN DO an eighth flight!

Rod stood at the front of the bus after all of this, and reminded us all, she is talented and strong and committed and prepared, and yet God—he chose this mountain, this day, this girl to teach the rest of us about Yeshimon.

It was in this place that we started the day, in the wasteland.

If you are wondering what YESHIMON is, it is a land you come to where you cannot make it without outside help…

Rod warned us of this right at the beginning, when we were young in our day, eager and ready and excited for the looming walls of the bare and electric rock before us. The sun was plugged in, warming the land for our journey, much to his joy. (He prayed for that sun so we could experience then entirety of this desert, and boy did we ever.)

The cliffs hung desperate and loud with praise, ragged and jagged like the fingernails of an overworked man. If there is green, it is hard and durable like metal spikes pretending to be cheerful. We took each step across the loose rock like we were walking ice, deliberate & careful. Every step required a prayer for strong ankles.

This YESHIMON was the place Elijah ran, desperate and depressed—begging God to let him die. We met a broom tree much like the one Elijah sat under for shade, as it cut at our ankles with its knives of thorns. This plant was named “the shade of the desert.” The desert, this place where God fulfills all need, and gives “just enough.”

“Why? Why the desert?” you ask. Because, God is here! We see Him here! Better than that, we NEED Him here and so this is why He brings us there. Not to hurt us but to give us a full full life. One we cannot experience without Him in His entirety. And so hardship is a gift and something we also cannot do alone. It is HERE he teaches us to rely on Him and on others for all of it. Every step. Here we learn that what we once thought was sweet really has no flavor at all once we taste and see that the Lord is good.

It is HERE in the desert the Israelites wander, reaching Mt. Sinai where Moses climbed like we did and met the Lord (Jesus) as a friend would meet, face to face. Or head in palm.

Rod herds us gently into the corners of the desert, each and every hand and foot put to good use to get the person behind us one step further. Falling in line like a snake—over, around, down—the rocks. A few of us leap like goats—some of us quaking like the shaking hand of an elderly hand. Each a necessary part of it all, this crusty beloved family.

Our temporary shepherd stops, deliberately spacing our rest so we can feed on the word, while the canopy of stone hangs in silence around us. It is now, when we are gathered, when the stones beneath our failing feet are silent—it is then that I can see and hear God.

He is watching us, gentle, quiet, listening.

And we proceed in our chatter, dried mangos, our urinating.

He is in all of it.

At last—we reach the top. Somehow we feel it is the end. Around us standing stones erect like chimneys saying “GOD, we will trust you,” “GOD we will move forward with you.”

The Sun, its stinging our legs, slapping them red while we learn how God loved us—hard and good into his arms, the place He’s beckoned us from the beginning. And like an independent child we twist and turn away from His embrace. Like a mustang we fight for ourselves—untamed for self reliance. Straining at the beautiful creation of fences He’s made of these vows He’s spoken like a love song over us to protect and guide and bless us.

And us, unaware that they are made in love we fight the fences—these sweet laws that keep us safe from wolves and we hurt and we hurt and we hurt in our protest
But, He marries us despite our straining and striving away. He married you. He married me.
He married and loves and admires my best friend and L as she pushes along with the imperfect leg and us through our divorces and our trembling and our depression and our anxiety and our grumpy lack of sleep selves. He still does.

And as Nate holds Janas hand, as he weeps with empty hands and a full mouth of prayer he turns his back on all of it to speak to God face to face, friend to friend—to tell God, “I will not forget, I will remember”

He chooses to be small even when more than anything in the world he wants to be large and able he realizes more than self reliance he wants the best for his wife, his bride. (such a picture of Christ) So, the young football players, the youth pastors, the men, the caboose, & yes the photographer too, carry her limbs over the craters and the three blonde nurses huddle
and rotate ankles and Mike waves and Jeremy calms. And Rod, the shepherd gets on his knees and carefully calmly whispers “Rest, Precious one. Rest on the inside.”

We share water, tears, prayer, highfives, saliva. We share a God. A Father.

He carried the entirety of this in his palm, watching, smiling particularly pleased with the little brown sheep.

Carving out ahead of us just enough time, just enough arms, just enough shade just enough manna, & just enough water from a rock.
We may have FELT like an Acacia tree, crooked and dormant like an old ladies back after years hunched over, but then our God, He comes like a WADI (a stream) and refills its
branches with food for camels and hard hard wood for places that God once lived.
And we find in our desperateness that that is what God is, a stream, Shade, arms—and what God is is what we shall be to the world.
And so, if even Jana thinks she is a burden or small or stupid we had an excellent opportunity to be a Priest today and be exactly what God is to her.
Shade, rest, water, a gate. To speak love over her And anyone who may be not strong enough to lift up their head.

– Chelsea Garter

Savannah: a Large Grassy Plane

Sunday
I met her

her bangs hung like vines heavy in her eyes
her two arms like handcuffs locked around Mikes neck

I asked her if we could be friends, and she said yes but did not budge
the dark of her skin, her hair somehow resembling her new adoptive Mother

Carley and I talked about it briefly over the last year
here and there I cut her hair treading softly  so as not to awaken the sorrow of
the unawakened womb

"God will do this," she'd say, "I know this,"
but it hadn't come as quickly as they'd hoped

& then, Savannah
she came unexpected and brittle and energetic
like a kitten who just discovered site

hours were spent skyping her, memorizing her
as Texas held her tightly

Carleys eyes began to sparkle and I cried
as I snipped off brittle, damaged ends of her hair
and left in its place
health
smooth
alive.

Savannah came tiny and confused and cried herself to sleep
her entire body shook like grass does when hit by rain that first night, home
it was because her mother had left her with grandparents
and grandparents and handed her to this home, a place of
health
smooth
alive
in the midst of her chaos.

Carley was wearing yellow the day she told me
that inside her womb was a peach sized human
and over weeks from afar I watched her grow

(Im in tears writing this)

suddenly, this couple of two
became four
just. like. that.

Last night,
a week and a half after I met tiny Savannah
the boys were in the outfield
slapping butts
hackling the other team
hitting homeruns, losing
sliding carefully into base but
Mike slid too hard or to the wrong side or too abruptly
his leg moved sideways in a broken direction

the crowd around him
I saw my husband carefully carry his leg all the while Mike said
"this can't happen now, this is a 6 month process, Im a new Dad and my baby is coming soon, I have three girls at home"
and the women stood far away
hands covering their mouths or their eyes
backs straight like peacocks in the stands

I know all of this will end beautifully
"God will do this, I know this" (taken from the wife herself)
but if you could pray for this family or bring a good sized meal to their door
It will be a blessing.
thanks for reading.

...

I don't know what happened after that
there was skin to skin contact with Mali's
Nigerian tunes on the Niger river
edward, the orphan
dance parties to fight off demons and the
begging of corrupt police for cash or they will take us in
that neighbor boy who accepted Jesus because you were determined

You then, were yourself.
& slowly tried to tear away at the comfortable skin
hoping to find someone better
burried
under there

your knees became raw in the search
hands enlarged and red
sleep loss
bones aching for bread for years
the seizures then took hold
banging your head against the concrete over and over
hospital beds

& God watched and wept because
he liked you just as you were
before you went on the search
to find someone else

I think you must have not yet discovered that God is that person for you
and you don't have to work so hard to get there

I begged God for answers of how to fix this and He simply said
"Love him just as he is"

and that was the hard road.

because my addiction had always been repair with arms clad
in needle and thread and long words
bandaids
to fix fix fix what is broken

But that too makes sense because you and I were born of the same cloth
always trying to find the solution instead of just letting God

and of course his answer would have been
to love as He loves us
& then it all made sense.

I love you
forever and always

&
that means i love the passion in you
and the mistakes that you hurtle over

and the things about you that I don't love,
well I put these in a place where I will not look at them

because love covers that up

and yeah
i believe we have been intentionally put
next to each other
to heal

to press
on those little places until God takes leaves and heals

to purge us of an old us that doesn't look too loving
& sometimes
thats what all this is
about anyway

wish I could have been there

i can see it happening
the building is like a storm with all the chatter
everything is wooden including the mistress who just got called out in front of everyone

I think its funny all of that happening while people prowl for a table around all of you
eyes wide the lot of you
beer drinkers clueless
seeking a seat like a hungry dog for food

they are both there, you watch it all
oh its been so long since they were both there in the same room
she used to enter the house without a key and sing the children to sleep and now
im furious at the place she has in your life

I can see it
she is set back in her chair
yes, attacked and yes it was justified
we will do what it takes to fight for this

now let me talk to you, friends of this situation
I dont understand how you can just sit there with her
all of you
collectively sharing a beer and telling a story about your day
oh how cute your glasses are and your new bangs
gross
you act as if you dont know that 
someone elses husband just climbed into her bed
and you happen to call the wife of this man family

im so confused
how can you call HER family too?
bump elbows,
buy a beer
oh sit here sit here

this isnt how family works.
I think im mad again dangit

Im mad because this woman who has for practically her whole life
fought to love this man
him, tall and like a piece of lumber
so quickly crumbles when a young chicky-babe strokes his fancy
oh he thinks its fancy
this earth might tell him THAT is fancy
but just wait
is he really all that strong and how long will SHE keep him hypnotized
I think she must be crazy too giving herself to such weak weak man
does she really think shes strong enough to keep him around
tall like a piece of lumber

this woman
HIS WIFE
may I remind you
as you sit there with his MISTRESS
laughing over a beer
is a WOMAN not a girl
not a chicky BABE
geesh
she is the one who bore his children
she is the one who built a home
she is the one who cleaned his house and made his meals
she is the one who he called all those years while away driving truck
and wrote note card after note card of verses
packed little meals to surprise him
unfaithful man that he was, she endured and loved because
love believes all things
hopes all

sure, sure you can love her someday
but not while she lets that into her bed and her body
you can love her once she is a tree that has fruit
but now? not now. she is giving away all of eternity for this sugary feel good bite
gross

yes he does not deserve his wife and
why does he think he can punish himself with something he wants

im so confused as to how you can sit there
elbows on the same table
eye contact so perfectly alligned with this woman who spreads herself like butter
over top of a man who is not hers

this silly addiction will not pay off in eternity
it wont

and I know who will get the crown.


"Lord, who will dwell in your sacred tent? who will live in your holy mountain?
... the one who keeps an oath (vow//promise) even when it hurts and does not change their mind." Psalm 15

she

is a tiny box
that is full

the box is wood
sturdy
compact

most people have large boxes
full of very small things clanging around
trying to make enough noise to sound full

but
she is small
content
the box organized so that she can take one thing out at a time
and use it to its fullness

her feet are square
two of them
clunky fingers holding pen firm
like one block cut in half
perfect fit
eyebrows perfectly trim
knees lined up
even breath

she has been a pinecone you know
young and tight
full of seed
just freshly fallen from the tree
time will open it
you will see

and her seed
will bear much fruit

dear you

you are in a far far away place
remember this when your mind feels jumbled and uneasy
remember that the people you normally would turn to to cry with
or laugh with or spill all of this uneasy mind with
remember they are far away and so let yourself breathe a little
you will be home soon
you can sort it out then

B
he spoke on Sunday about the topic of discussion
he said you have nothing to fear because
if you have fear about it,
you have absolutely nothing to fear
people who fear what you are fearing
can literally not do what you fear
am i making sense
i hope I am
i think you will understand. no one else will even get it thats why
this is for you

i think you are in a place you cant skype or call or message
so know
im thinking of you
and its all going to be ok
you are okay okay?
because what you want you can have you know
and so if you want something different than what you fear
you wont go there. ever. ever. ever.

promise. 

im fragile
ive told him before but
he has forgotten
he forgets sometimes everyday it seems
 but then there I go again with my always and never and everyday

there are a few different kinds of cups you know that hold alcohol
im a wine glass
you are a beer mug

but you treat me and talk to me and drink from me like I am a beer mug
and sometimes I think it might break me because i am not meant to be handled this way

ive tried to be stronger
different
bolder
more blunt
sharp
even mean to you to connect with you
to communicate better but
i felt like it was not a language I knew well
and it came out all wrong and bent

it is not in my nature and so
we must learn
my love
to drink
of love
together

even though our hands are very different sizes
we must still hold hands

i fart on my dog alot in bed. she doesnt mind one bit.