There she was 

In my home 

Anxious 

Small

But made him feel like everything except 

The taxidermy version of himself 

He wanted to be with you in every room 

And every hour 

Of the house 

Homer, Alaska

All of it reminded me of Michigan 

Besides the taste of salt in the water 

The smooth rocks that lay in place of sand 

The cheekbones and hips of mountains napping along the horizon, 

And the ever so often moose

Grazing without caution

Outside my window pane 

Sometimes it hurts how blessed I am 

Like an incision

Or a fever 

I'm afraid that someday it will harm me 

And remind me of how good I had it

How ungrateful I was 

I feel like I'm missing the suffering I always imagine is right around the corner 

Last night though

He reminded me of his name 

"I am Comforter" 

I heard 

And all of this goodness seems to equate with a good good Father 

But I'm just afraid if it's ever bad I will forget how to trust his goodness

Painting is therapy

I propped them up 

All of them the color of a garden 

Hung them tightly on nails and screws along brick

And left 

They each are gardens of my hours 

Countries of my sadness

Embarrassment 

Anxiety wound up carefully in linseed oil and pigment 

Brushed ever so lightly onto a canvas made of cotton 

Duck fabric 

Gesso

You may think you're looking at a buffalo 

Really you are looking at the color of the house by our river

The arm of the water stretched beside it

An argument I resolved with the color coral 

And prayer on prayer on prayer

Forgiveness

If I could find words for you theyd feel stretched thin like skin over a pregnant torso

Maybe I am afraid of your silence back. 

I am pregnant with things to say 

But everything is scrambled 

And I can't seem to find needle and thread to put words in a row like soldiers 

Something I'm usually so good at doing. 

I hope you do know

I forgive you 

I love you

I am sorry it turned out this way. 

Yellow

It is the hardest color to get off of people

To get off of me 

Jesus taught us how 

When he came on a donkey instead of the horse

Usually your name has shucked itself across my mouth as if it is a curse 

Uncomfortable in nature 

Like a piece of bark rubbed across my tongue 

I'm sorry for this I don't quite know how to change it I'm trying 

He reminded us that it should become like cursive 

No matter what the situation

His disappointment does not call for name change

And so you are still family 

Though I still do not know how to be in the same room with you 

_Lord teach me

When you are pressed tightly up against something for so many years 

Yes, it is true

The color rubs off onto you

But it doesn't change your organs

__not an excuse 

But you were wrong

Sometimes grief takes all of your air 

Like a man with hands that fit perfectly around your neck and only releases right at the end when you are almost gone 

You think to yourself 

He had me once 

He won't come again

I had my turn 

Anniversary

You are not my first draft 

You are my last and my first 

You must be the one to extract the teeth of my fear and read on and on about where I best grow and experiment with These roots 

The sun the shade the amount of water that will help me grow firm and strong and proud and colorful 

For this I am both glad and sorry 

Sorry that it will be hard 

That I have not had the time yet to take out the kinks of my fabric

That life has not been a hot enough iron to smooth me

That the water has not run over my edges enough times 

But 

I am glad that we will be a parade of messy years by the end 

And I am sure your hand will still be in mine