Space and how I don't know what to do with it

Actually 

I told them 

Maybe you didn't think I would. 

Maybe you thought afterwards my organs would flood with peace. But instead, I'm terrified. 

What if my importance landed in that title, "teacher" 

What if without it I'm not really all that valuable or able 

What if I'm quitting because I'm afraid? 

What if I don't do photography because afterwards I'm waiting for a flood of applause and I don't always get that and so I quit it to "not do so many things" "not be so busy" 

But really it's because it often makes me feel like a failure like painting and hair also does 

... 

Or maybe God is asking me to 

"Make space" 

For people and intentionality, so my womb can hold a child, so I can exercise and not feel as though there is no time no excuse 

So I can cook my families meals more, and have space to be safe 

Warm

Cozy. 

Available. 

... 

Another lesson 

That my worth is not on what my hands produce but In the fact that I am 

Made in his image. 

Erase

"But what on earth will you do with all the pencil lines? "

She asked, next to me. 

"Will you erase them?" 

I looked at her like I had no idea what she was talking about. 

These mistakes

These pencils lines 

They were my favorite part. 

Abstracts.

I saw all the shapes of you come together 

The pink

The rage of red from childhood as the people who are supposed to lead you fell apart 

You taking your little hands trying so hard to fight for them and put it all together, I too understand this. 

I see the blue of your lake, the long swim that stretches out in front of you until you believe all that you're fighting against believing

I see the green of your fear and how it frames your loneliness that is shrinking

The line you've been waking that has been so confusing as to how you ended up here hopeless 

And the yellow and orange fostered in your belly that is tight like knots next to this purple, the hope that I see in your future as you slowly let the knot of your hand loosen

You do not see it. 

But I do. 

You

Tender like a donkey

Pink like a girl 

With a delicate 

Rose petal

Lions roar

.

I sobbed as I finished the story 

I put it off for an entire day 

Because there were three pages left and I knew how it would end 

I was wearing my purple swimsuit and laying across my floral towel and I knew how very girly it must sound with me sniffling there

The surfers were to my left proclaiming the waves small 

Pointing now and then as someone took one in anyway

Their arms folded at their middle 

For hours 

I had sunglasses on

I let out all the noises 

Hoping they couldn't hear me over the waves chatter 

They would understand if they had gotten to know Will Taynor like I did. 

.

Pockets full 

The moon a tiny thumb nail 

We did something 

We've  never done before. 

The eagles were there. 

Crater

I don't know how 

We became close 

What with this gigantic crater sitting between us 

Somehow we got to the place where you send me photos of yourself remarking how very long I've been gone and I think what you might be saying is 

"You can come back now"

// 

He knew me when I was bad off 

When I couldn't sleep and there was a demon sitting politely on my forehead 

He knew me when my entire world was becoming unsewn at the seams, and I was frantic to put it all back together running here and there after my brothers my Dad seizing in the hospital while my mom was a puddle 

And she was always the strong one 

Little affected her 

During this time I turned against him most. 

I half expected him to save me and for him to love me enough when I hated myself 

// 

Shoulder to shoulder 

For years we didn't talk about it

The crater between us... slowly it became smaller 

And smaller 

It's still there , a few unspoken things 

I'm still a little afraid to be weak with you

But once when my brother was taken in to the hospital for his mental breakdown and I lost it in the break room you called me sweety and touched my arm and let me cry 

You told me a few days later you were praying for him

And I always believe you 

You don't have too many words and so when you speak I believe you 

A couple things unbuckled then

//

The reason I don't tell you everything: 

I feel I must balance what you've already learned about me from way back when

I'm embarrassed

Maybe I still believe you see me this way. 

But it's probably not true. 

// 

You came over to help me unpack recently 

And fold laundry 

It was weird you sitting on the bed surrounded by baskets of our things 

talking about underwear and sorting socks 

You were still dressed from work 

Just popped on by to help me get caught up so I could come out that night  

// 

You are a real friend

Loyal

Interesting

Challenging 

I want to tell you how much that means to me. 

Despite all the things you could think of me. 

And don't. 

..

I like to be safe 

So when we arrive to the water fall and the water is green and cold and max mentions cliff jumping I feel like I'm shrinking 

He cannot wait to try 

He tells me to photograph him and he strips down to his coral striped suit and flicks his hair off his forehead and goes for it 

With vigor

I feel like I might throw up if I didnthe jump like he does 

He watches someone plunge from even higher and I hear his whisper 

I have to do that 

And I wilt 

Steadying the camera

My pulse quickening 

Hoping I don't have to carry home a quadriplegic all the way through the airport into Michigan 

(Maybe I'm thinking of wheelchairs and quads because of this book I'm reading, I'm not really sure. It's a romance novel okay. Nothing medical or about wild birds or South American waves so don't seem to interested.) 

I like to be safe 

But I also like to make people happy 

So I jump in 

I waddle over to the rope swing

I take a dive 

I swim to stand under the waterfall while he takes a picture because he wants to take a picture but I do not cliff jump 

There are a lot of people watching after all

And I cannot let them all down 

I let the water dribble over me and tell max that I feel as if I do not cliff jump he will be let down

And that is not the reason I want to do it 

He looks me in the face and tells me to look at him closely 

He says I don't want you to ever do it for me

Ever 

Only if you wanted to 

And so I put a towel on and remark how very cold I am all of a sudden and very done with the water 

I'm sure I'm entitled about lots of things, even kindness

For some reason I feel as if you actually feel entitled to be harsh with me if you don't understand what I'm saying

__how to resolve an argument when it's not a big deal and your both just hungry really

I step out of the car 

We've already had our eggs and sausage and coffee and he goes to pinch a loaf 

I'm in charge of the car so I gather everything 

A crowd of asians gather near the sand talking about how it's not sandy here,

How the bottom is rocky 

And then they go off in their dialect 

I act very local 

Walking past them without reserve 

Carefully stepping over sand with glass in it 

Positioning myself next to Dolly Parten 

(I'm serious, it might be her) 

She's wearing a headband to cover up her blonde fake extensions and 

She's wearing a purple bathing suit with tassels 

Lots of lipstick and Botox 

She gathers herself and moves

Into the sun where everyone must pass her to notice and where she can do the most damage to her skin 

"Your paintings are lovely sweetheart" (I might be adding the sweetheart part, it seems like something Dolly would say) " I was an art major in college, I used to love going to the zoo to draw animals, have you ever done that sweetheart?" I tell her no. Sometimes I'm not nice to strangers. I'm trying. I hate small talk... it makes my cheeks hurt. 

Anyway, 

He comes back 

The bathrooms were locked 

He chooses a teal 

Shorter board for his surf today

And steals my hair band to put his hair in a low poneytail 

He announced earlier today 

How attractive the waves are as we drove past the cows

I love this about him 

The preoccupation

The hobby 

His zest for the waves in a way I understand but a different form 

He uses them Under his body

I use them their shape their form their voice 

For paper 

For 

Words, paint 

Two dogs wander by looking lost and without owners 

But collared 

One with her utters looking full and inflamed as if she has just had children 

/// 

I feel a little out of control when I cannot read the emotions of the person across from me or on the other line 

I say the wrong things and he stiffens 

Across from me 

/// 

We talked about it sensibly of course 

He went surfing 

And I read a book 

He tried to discuss the speaker system inside the passenger seat of a car driving by and we walked past the taco stands and the tall jungle around them. 

I didn't really respond. 

/// 

I plop all of my things down into the sand 

My toenails are too long 

And my hair is stringy at my shoulders from the saltwater 

What are you reading 

The local asked me 

Tipping his finger toward my book 

I show him the cover 

He raises his eyebrow either to say 

" I'm not impressed" or 

"Never heard of it"

And even though he's a stranger I wish I was reading some book about wild birds or South Americas tide or something so he would say 

"Wow how intellectual of you, really" 

My butt is half showing because my suit has ridden up and it's awkward picking atbthat sort of thing while someone is staring at you

My cheeks are hurting again from small talk 

and I forget my sunscreen so I have to trample past him 

(Trample is how I feel, especially after the book incident) 

/// 

The fight was about surfing 

I was hot 

I wanted to get in the water and bob around a bit 

He abliged after suggesting a surf lesson from someone else and I said no 

My top came off 10 times in 10 minutes

Showing my bare breasts to the two young teens surfing next to me 

I was trying to paddle into the waves, communicate with max as he hollered instructions and also hold my freaking top on 

I caught one wave on my knees. It was nice. I hope max was thinking how sleek I looked up on the board holding my top on. 

Then I told him I had to go in

I was sick of showing my boobs off to anyone within ten feet 

So I turned the large 9 foot board toward the shore 

Max hollering about the rocks and the coral and such

A brief recollection crossed my mind of the taco lady from the cinnamon colored taco stand

Flailing her arms around while she deep fried corn tortillas

pointing toward the water talking about the young man who died last week on these rocks

My arms and legs started shaking as I paddled in, eyeing the sharp corners of the reef and rock under me

Adjusting my top so both of them were concealed hearing Max's voice get smaller and smaller

At the same time praying my life be spared 

(I forgot to thank him, thank you God for sparing me) 

I pulled in like a student driver who just flunked

The rocks were slippery and the board was heavy and blue like a forget me not 

Somehow the saltwater had pulled every ounce of snot down my lip from my nose and I had no arms to wipe it away 

It was right in front of the surfers tent that the tide decided to bring me in

They all stared at me 

The gazes glazed over 

Im sure they're either high or 

asking themselves if they should help me or if that would be even more embarrassing

This poor young new horrific surfing student I could hear them saying shaking their heads 

I stand tall and strong as if to say 

I'm not embarrassed 

I'm new 

I'm learning 

But the snot is everywhere now and I can't see because my hair is dangling in my eyes 

 

Not only that

It was their board I have and here I was dragging it on the sand trying to stabilize it with my hand while the cord wrapped around both feet tripping me 

It's freaking heavy

I almost tripped and fell 7 times before I took the cord off my ankle 

The Velcro hissing like fabric 

I felt dumb 

But surprisingly 

Upbeat. I didn't need their approval and i was beaming with joy that I still had all my limbs and that I had tried 

Max was frustrated. 

I didn't know if it was with me or because he was afraid I was going to kill myself 

I told him over a taco 

Up beat 

That he hadn't done a bad job teaching me 

When really i should have said, 

You did a good job 

Because it made him even more upset 

So I told him I needed a minute because he had seemed foul the last hour since we had crawled out, I said 

Wet and salty

But maybe it was me who was foul 

I asked myself 

But I felt upbeat 

He stated how he thought I'd probably never try again while I assured him I would and how happy I was that I did 

I was very upbeat, did I mention that part? 

But he was not. 

I scrounged around for reasons. 

I hadn't lost the board or the key yet. 

I felt I must have disappointed him or worse 

Made him afraid to ever try teaching me again, 

As he suggested,again,I take a lesson 

From 

Someone 

Else. 

We talked about it sensibly of course 

He went surfing

I read a book. 

__how to resolve an argument when it's not a big deal and your both just hungry really