I love you
forever and always

&
that means i love the passion in you
and the mistakes that you hurtle over

and the things about you that I don't love,
well I put these in a place where I will not look at them

because love covers that up

and yeah
i believe we have been intentionally put
next to each other
to heal

to press
on those little places until God takes leaves and heals

to purge us of an old us that doesn't look too loving
& sometimes
thats what all this is
about anyway

wish I could have been there

i can see it happening
the building is like a storm with all the chatter
everything is wooden including the mistress who just got called out in front of everyone

I think its funny all of that happening while people prowl for a table around all of you
eyes wide the lot of you
beer drinkers clueless
seeking a seat like a hungry dog for food

they are both there, you watch it all
oh its been so long since they were both there in the same room
she used to enter the house without a key and sing the children to sleep and now
im furious at the place she has in your life

I can see it
she is set back in her chair
yes, attacked and yes it was justified
we will do what it takes to fight for this

now let me talk to you, friends of this situation
I dont understand how you can just sit there with her
all of you
collectively sharing a beer and telling a story about your day
oh how cute your glasses are and your new bangs
gross
you act as if you dont know that 
someone elses husband just climbed into her bed
and you happen to call the wife of this man family

im so confused
how can you call HER family too?
bump elbows,
buy a beer
oh sit here sit here

this isnt how family works.
I think im mad again dangit

Im mad because this woman who has for practically her whole life
fought to love this man
him, tall and like a piece of lumber
so quickly crumbles when a young chicky-babe strokes his fancy
oh he thinks its fancy
this earth might tell him THAT is fancy
but just wait
is he really all that strong and how long will SHE keep him hypnotized
I think she must be crazy too giving herself to such weak weak man
does she really think shes strong enough to keep him around
tall like a piece of lumber

this woman
HIS WIFE
may I remind you
as you sit there with his MISTRESS
laughing over a beer
is a WOMAN not a girl
not a chicky BABE
geesh
she is the one who bore his children
she is the one who built a home
she is the one who cleaned his house and made his meals
she is the one who he called all those years while away driving truck
and wrote note card after note card of verses
packed little meals to surprise him
unfaithful man that he was, she endured and loved because
love believes all things
hopes all

sure, sure you can love her someday
but not while she lets that into her bed and her body
you can love her once she is a tree that has fruit
but now? not now. she is giving away all of eternity for this sugary feel good bite
gross

yes he does not deserve his wife and
why does he think he can punish himself with something he wants

im so confused as to how you can sit there
elbows on the same table
eye contact so perfectly alligned with this woman who spreads herself like butter
over top of a man who is not hers

this silly addiction will not pay off in eternity
it wont

and I know who will get the crown.


"Lord, who will dwell in your sacred tent? who will live in your holy mountain?
... the one who keeps an oath (vow//promise) even when it hurts and does not change their mind." Psalm 15

she

is a tiny box
that is full

the box is wood
sturdy
compact

most people have large boxes
full of very small things clanging around
trying to make enough noise to sound full

but
she is small
content
the box organized so that she can take one thing out at a time
and use it to its fullness

her feet are square
two of them
clunky fingers holding pen firm
like one block cut in half
perfect fit
eyebrows perfectly trim
knees lined up
even breath

she has been a pinecone you know
young and tight
full of seed
just freshly fallen from the tree
time will open it
you will see

and her seed
will bear much fruit

dear you

you are in a far far away place
remember this when your mind feels jumbled and uneasy
remember that the people you normally would turn to to cry with
or laugh with or spill all of this uneasy mind with
remember they are far away and so let yourself breathe a little
you will be home soon
you can sort it out then

B
he spoke on Sunday about the topic of discussion
he said you have nothing to fear because
if you have fear about it,
you have absolutely nothing to fear
people who fear what you are fearing
can literally not do what you fear
am i making sense
i hope I am
i think you will understand. no one else will even get it thats why
this is for you

i think you are in a place you cant skype or call or message
so know
im thinking of you
and its all going to be ok
you are okay okay?
because what you want you can have you know
and so if you want something different than what you fear
you wont go there. ever. ever. ever.

promise. 

im fragile
ive told him before but
he has forgotten
he forgets sometimes everyday it seems
 but then there I go again with my always and never and everyday

there are a few different kinds of cups you know that hold alcohol
im a wine glass
you are a beer mug

but you treat me and talk to me and drink from me like I am a beer mug
and sometimes I think it might break me because i am not meant to be handled this way

ive tried to be stronger
different
bolder
more blunt
sharp
even mean to you to connect with you
to communicate better but
i felt like it was not a language I knew well
and it came out all wrong and bent

it is not in my nature and so
we must learn
my love
to drink
of love
together

even though our hands are very different sizes
we must still hold hands

i fart on my dog alot in bed. she doesnt mind one bit.

adoption and wombs

K:

I watch you
five years
grieve your womb
touch your middle, pray for it
cry
look on with jealousy at your sister who so easily bares children
cry
stand strong
pray again
try again
try everything the dr's recommend
you even let them sew your stomach so that perhaps
after shedding the extra weight
you can have a body that functions properly for a baby
and still God disappoints you

during this process God leads you to adopt from Africa
some commercial about children in Ghana and you step outside of yourself
you tell Kitri he will be the color of chocolate
you raise support
you decide the color of his room
and make a list of names that make you and A both smile
you can finally let go of your womb now

I dont pretend to understand
i cant imagine

and you follow
you keep walking
you chase after what He might have despite difficulty
the
doors slammed repeatedly in your face
oh adoptions in Ghana is closed now
oh its Ethiopia now
oh Grandparents want you to have a white baby not brown
the referrals seem so out of reach
and we dont get it

but you keep stepping forward because he said to, you raise the money
send the money
do what is asked
and then that little knock
from a coworker
begging you to look at a different idea
maybe domestic adoption
maybe her niece
and you pray and its a yes

and four months later a tiny peanut butter baby (as Jana might call it)
is laid in your arms
a premature birth
struggling to come off the drugs her mom exhaled

Lyric Gentry
you call her
and she is so perfect
with almond eyes
and a little round face

you hold her and photograph her and love her and thank God for writing this story
and it is a good good good story
and still now you always proclaim about God how good God is
and i like it

and then seven months later you take a pregnancy test and
it is positive.

and we cry and scream and cant believe this goodness
it is so yummy and perfect and even better than the turkey we are eating over Christmas

and God is good. because he loved Lyric so much that he waited for your womb to be open
so that your home could be open for her, and your heart
because he gives good good things
and promises to fulfill the desires of our hearts
even if it isnt what we think
and then once our desires our filled
he puts on the frosting
and we can't believe
how could it be even better than what we imagined.



S:
can you believe how beautiful she is
I always think it when she is in my chair, I think wow
her soft organ inside so alive and perky and beautiful
and a face to match

secretly im perfectly fine with her being so beautiful because
(and this has happened a few times)
someone told me that they waved at her on Sunday and thought she was me
and I was extremely complimented

and this woman, she is so so so full of faith that God will and does bring about desires of our hearts
for months, you know, I dont even know how long she suffered and struggled and didnt give up
I dont pretend to understand what she went through or how hard it was
sits in my chair a few times during this time of trying
full of faith and yet a little pepper of discouragement in a few spots
i doubt i ever said the right things
somedays I bet are harder than others but
God is good, you remind me, God is good

and I applaud you for never giving that up that God is good
and that HE WILL fulfill this for you
you know He will
no matter what people say
or how they tell you how to be barren
or tell you to read Hannah's story
your faith challenges me, S
know that

and then there was that last haircut where you told me a secret
that there was a tiny muchacha out there
needing a home
abandoned
and your eyes got shiny and bright and I think I almost cried
you've been stepping toward that
and into it
and trying to put on what the word "Mom" sounds like
like a shirt you might wear for ever that you have to hold loosely until she has your last name
its a God thing, we know because your husband is both feet in

and Sunday we are talking about normal things at church like
split ends and
adoption
small talk
I ask, are things still moving forward with the adoption and you say
yes yes
there you are beaming in your mustard yellow shirt
and then your eyes they get shiny and bright and I think I almost cried because
you told me you are ten weeks along
and

God
God you are
God you are SO GOOD

thats all i can say


and to CM:
i work next to you
you are quiet
and soothing to all of our clients
they repeat back to you like a fish in a bowl
because they like how you make them feel
and look

sometimes your eyes are sadder than others
and sometimes you cant be at work because of the dr appt or the hospital visit
and then sometimes you are brave and share that your insides are broken
and so is your heart
and you keep pressing in and saying yes we believe this can happen
and then sometimes your cramps come and its like starting over from scratch
as we all hold our breath

but

I know my God
he says "Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart"
and I think that is a promise and so
I know my God
he will fulfill
and maybe it will come in the form of something else because sometimes
sometimes that is how it happens
but I cannot help but believe that
he has heard your cry

and he is saying shh, cease striving
know that I am God

and I have stories, my sister
of where he did this very thing
and filled the desires of hearts with
exactly that.

your desires.



God,
thank you. and God
please
let it be the case that I can write a story later on
about CM
and her womb that is full.
let me have faith like K and S

you will fulfill this.
you will. I believe you will.

expose into the light

I've been busy the last month and so haven't really had the time to write. theres been a lot going on. a few sleepless nights a some clothes that have been ruined from oil paint and a house that looked like a tornado went through it.

i have a brother who could use your prayers. he is sick with anxiety and some form of mental illness that we are trying to put our finger on. it makes some of my demons of anxiety and depression sort of jump back out at me, but God has been faithful to quiet some of it and put me back in a place of calm and surety.

anxiety is real.

I know I've talked about it before, but I want to talk about it more. because there are a lot of people that struggle with this, this and depression and fear and insecurity and I think if we talked about it more we would find that being real is so freeing it is so easy to paint this picture of perfection when really we all have these looming things that we deal with like hating to do laundry and dishes, or hearing voices that aren't there, or fear we are a lesbian, or being scared of ferris wheels... I dont care what it is, sometimes things like these sit on our heads and push us down and we never talk about them and I think we should because chances are someone probably LOTS of people can relate.  (When I list things like that, im not listing things that i necessarily deal with, but either i or people i know deal with and have dealt with) I can relate. I didn't start getting healing until I spoke those things out. when I spoke them out they started to lose power...

something my husband says a lot is "we get to choose." and we do. we get to choose. we get to make decisions about our life. we get to decide what to be angry about and how long to stay angry. we get to decide when to raise our voice and what words to use and if we want to forgive and get healing. we get to decide if we want help for that issue or not or if we want to keep it like a little precious all to ourselves.

I hated fear for awhile, but I was also addicted to it. too encompassed by it that I couldn't let go. and it was really hard for a few years, training my mind, fighting it. some times I wanted to give up. everyday was exhausting. medication helped. but I still had to fight my demons and when I did I got to go on less medication. and im happier now. less anxious.

but I still get anxiety.

and thats ok. its ok as long as i am still fighting.

because life is real and hard and struggles shouldn't define us or surprise us because in this life we fight things that we cannot see. especially as Christians.

and we get to choose what to think and believe and what to follow.

but i tell you
Jesus has changed me. he's made me new.
hes delivered me from my fears.
ive seen him give people power to clean their houses when its their least favorite things
or fight for their marraige when they were having obsessive thoughts about someone else
or disconnect decide to get rid of facebook when they were looking up people and images that weren't ok, or confess to addiction to a entire room of people or say "i dont know Jesus and I want to"

ive been there.

I didn't know him for a long time and I had to break through and past a lot of false ideas about who he was and who the Father was before I could get to hear him and know him and see him and I still have to seek

but seeking will be blessed, God promises that

and I still have to fight old demons and new
but it gets easier as I start thinking Gods thoughts and not my own
and learning how to make decisions based on wisdom and not feeling because feelings are fleeting

so if your reading this, I guess what Im saying is
expose all the darkness

i dont care if its as weird as a fettish for kids or laziness or pornography
these things might be scary to talk about and to let out into the light
but it is necessary
in order
to
be
free.

and I have read far too many stories  and known way too many people who didn't expose their sins and their insides and it ate them alive and destroyed their lives

and they ended up in jail for life because they never talked about it and it turned into rape or murder
or almost lost their three girls and amazing wife for a summer fling
or led an entire church astray because they kept their little secret a secret

maybe these things sprung from things that happened to them as children
but we get to choose what to talk about
what to let take hold of us
what to expose or what to keep a secret


and so i want to challenge and encourage people to
talk
about
what
is
going
on
inside.

no matter what
(we are all broken)

and know that no matter what
there are people who will love you despite your crap
and your fear
and your fettishes
because you are a human

and it is only normal to struggle.

(but to not struggle with them is to accept them)

children

we are
exhausted

he snores next to me, then turns
inhales all the flem lying in his esophagus

the window rattles as the sun turns in for the evening
dusk begins to lick everything

we are
exhausted

one of the children asked me yesterday
are you going to have kids
and I spread open my arms wide to show her the room around us
and said, look, we have almost 100 already.

she thought it was funny, but
i meant it.

this weekend, these few tiny days remind me what it was like to be
tiny

one person laughed at me during a sporty game and i went crumbly crumbling to my husband
because it reminded me of being young

i remember i would have liked someone to put me under their wing then
but i had no one and so i tested the limits on how short my shorts could go
without dad saying a thing
or how flirty i could be and how many little boys heads i could turn
i was loud and flamboyant and blonde and tiny
like these girls, desperate for direction for a role model
desperate for attention
for someone to think they have something to offer

her
eyes go all misty because she is stuck on a team without friends
no one will talk to her
her eyes are huge and swollen behind those large glasses
they make her eyes look even bigger like a cartoon
I can see grief and also pulling on me at the same time trying to sway my decision
her
hair tight like string bound on a knitting ball to her head
i try to weigh between kind and soft and stern
knowing she needs boundaries and rules but also
her dad at one time hung by a string and left them helpless

she
pastors daughter, wants to change the world by changing herself
getting stuck in the mountains somewhere far away from people
so she can "find herself and get close to God"
I saw a little something she wrote on the front of her journal this weekend
"God is working in me"
her eyes look straight through you and her laughter is confident but
she still looks at the size of herself in the mirror
and surveys what she sees
she loves the jeep and wants to be homeschooled and likes to wear clothes that are
comfortable and covering and
i like her spirit
it is strong

her
mascara somehow stays on all night and those eyelashes look as tall as trees when you compare them to your own, i see myself in her drivenness, her overness
her correct words her constant work to impress
her over talking
shucking herself across my lap, feet in her friends
hair draping long
she told me yesterday that her Father was Catholic, until he met her mom
and then he changed but it didn't shake the strictness from him
and the only way she can relate to him is by pushing herself to the end with her sports
all of her muscles tight and bound to her legs like a baby in a sling
she is the one the angels had a party over
and i pray she doesn't follow him just because of fear
but because of love

she
the quiet gem.
tight in her head with so much to offer, she is careful with her words
sometimes they are drawn out of her carefully by me or her or her
but I see her take everything in
and her hands write a scroll with all that she learns
she shares that someday she would maybe like to be a missionary
and that is all she needs to say to us
no fluff or gushing or over impressing
simple and to.the.point.
i know there is music in her and color
everyone can see it
she will soon be a butterfly.

her
brother tells us how hard it is for him
to be a brother to adopted children
the chaos, the noise, the constant fighting for peace
the demon possessed brother who promises to kill
they talk thick and long all the way home and yet were so collected
all of retreat. it just has sunk in for them that the adopted ones are 100% their siblings
in the same way that God has made them 100% their own
and this will change everything.
she is quick to hug me,  her Dora haircut always falls perfect at her shoulders
i find her often at my elbow
arms open
waiting for a hug or giving one, sometimes slung across M during worship
so quiet, very few questions or inquiries or comments
yesterday she wondered if God knows who will come to him
or if it is our choice
and I said yes. to both.

she
lets the tears fall as i put my hand on her knee and ask God to do the same
he is already but maybe she doesn't know that He is the Father that she
has never met before, the one who left them when she was just a baby
he can fill and will fill and does fill this space that has so long been empty
her dark eyes, little curls spraying themselves out of her poney-tail
she tells me secrets and afterwards, afraid I will share
I will not share and I can see it is a choice she is making
to trust me
this little fragile daughter so interested in being accepted
so loud to try and be heard
so unorderly to try and be extraordinary
she already is
she just doesnt know it does not hinge on herself

i could share more
there are many more
but these are a few of my children
and i am learning to love them well
with him
next to him
and HE

angel party

maybe it was just God sitting up there with his wooly white beard on his throne surrounded by sapphire
maybe he was the only one that knew that this night was not going to be a normal night

D, the professor, pastor extrodanair (can you just spell that one out? I dont know how to spell it, i tried, i was homeschooled) talked about Revelations. a book i know so little about. and it was so good, he put some perspective out there with his pacing, his uneven tone, his pictures

he asked us if we had ever asked the question, "am I the antichrist?" and if we hadn't asked that, he asked us to ask, am i at all anti Christ? What in my life is not PRO CHRIST

he talked about how there was a people in bible times, (I wish I could spell the name of them), who, to avoid death and persecution chose in their hearts to "remain Christians" and yet on the outside live in a way, speak in a way, act in a way that no one would know so that they had to pay no consequence for their Christianity

and after, when he was done preaching, when we huddled into the back room, M laid on the floor with her hand up waiting for attention, and wanted to ask as soon as she could, even before the rest of us were all seated. Her long hair sprawled out behind her, her countenance seemingly calm, inside alarms going off

"how do I know if I am anti- Christ? How do I know if I am a  Christian?"


I was amazed at how when I asked the girls "how can you be saved" they gave generic answers about doing certain things to be a Christian instead of once mentioning faith or Jesus taking all their sins

Even C, Even L asked "how do I know if I actually have Jesus?"
one sitting straight in her rocking chair, not a word until this, not a movement, not a sound
absorbing all this Jesus talk as if their life depended on it (it does)

L, calmly on her knees, hair falling curly over her shoulders, absorbing all this Jesus talk as if her life depended on it (it does)

and then when we offered to pray over them, for them to repeat it
they asked "can we do this at home? Can we ask Jesus into our hearts when we are alone? and how do we do it?"

Oh, and the journey has just begun... this growing into the gospel
this trying to climb a mountain to understand the love he has for us
when we will never get to the top
we will never understand
it is too large
(Even if the mountains fall into the sea, his love will never fail us)

but the gospel will change them as they learn it
as they learn what it means to be loved no matter what and then to pour out the same kind of love right back onto others

oh it has just begun
and we have 10 seventh graders
who are eager and ready and willing
and I feel so blessed to walk next to them in this.

As I prayed M's eyes began to spill.
and when we were done she was so worried about looking as if she had cried

I want to tell the world that she did
because last night, the angels had a large party of praise about all of this
I am sure of it.