adoption and wombs

K:

I watch you
five years
grieve your womb
touch your middle, pray for it
cry
look on with jealousy at your sister who so easily bares children
cry
stand strong
pray again
try again
try everything the dr's recommend
you even let them sew your stomach so that perhaps
after shedding the extra weight
you can have a body that functions properly for a baby
and still God disappoints you

during this process God leads you to adopt from Africa
some commercial about children in Ghana and you step outside of yourself
you tell Kitri he will be the color of chocolate
you raise support
you decide the color of his room
and make a list of names that make you and A both smile
you can finally let go of your womb now

I dont pretend to understand
i cant imagine

and you follow
you keep walking
you chase after what He might have despite difficulty
the
doors slammed repeatedly in your face
oh adoptions in Ghana is closed now
oh its Ethiopia now
oh Grandparents want you to have a white baby not brown
the referrals seem so out of reach
and we dont get it

but you keep stepping forward because he said to, you raise the money
send the money
do what is asked
and then that little knock
from a coworker
begging you to look at a different idea
maybe domestic adoption
maybe her niece
and you pray and its a yes

and four months later a tiny peanut butter baby (as Jana might call it)
is laid in your arms
a premature birth
struggling to come off the drugs her mom exhaled

Lyric Gentry
you call her
and she is so perfect
with almond eyes
and a little round face

you hold her and photograph her and love her and thank God for writing this story
and it is a good good good story
and still now you always proclaim about God how good God is
and i like it

and then seven months later you take a pregnancy test and
it is positive.

and we cry and scream and cant believe this goodness
it is so yummy and perfect and even better than the turkey we are eating over Christmas

and God is good. because he loved Lyric so much that he waited for your womb to be open
so that your home could be open for her, and your heart
because he gives good good things
and promises to fulfill the desires of our hearts
even if it isnt what we think
and then once our desires our filled
he puts on the frosting
and we can't believe
how could it be even better than what we imagined.



S:
can you believe how beautiful she is
I always think it when she is in my chair, I think wow
her soft organ inside so alive and perky and beautiful
and a face to match

secretly im perfectly fine with her being so beautiful because
(and this has happened a few times)
someone told me that they waved at her on Sunday and thought she was me
and I was extremely complimented

and this woman, she is so so so full of faith that God will and does bring about desires of our hearts
for months, you know, I dont even know how long she suffered and struggled and didnt give up
I dont pretend to understand what she went through or how hard it was
sits in my chair a few times during this time of trying
full of faith and yet a little pepper of discouragement in a few spots
i doubt i ever said the right things
somedays I bet are harder than others but
God is good, you remind me, God is good

and I applaud you for never giving that up that God is good
and that HE WILL fulfill this for you
you know He will
no matter what people say
or how they tell you how to be barren
or tell you to read Hannah's story
your faith challenges me, S
know that

and then there was that last haircut where you told me a secret
that there was a tiny muchacha out there
needing a home
abandoned
and your eyes got shiny and bright and I think I almost cried
you've been stepping toward that
and into it
and trying to put on what the word "Mom" sounds like
like a shirt you might wear for ever that you have to hold loosely until she has your last name
its a God thing, we know because your husband is both feet in

and Sunday we are talking about normal things at church like
split ends and
adoption
small talk
I ask, are things still moving forward with the adoption and you say
yes yes
there you are beaming in your mustard yellow shirt
and then your eyes they get shiny and bright and I think I almost cried because
you told me you are ten weeks along
and

God
God you are
God you are SO GOOD

thats all i can say


and to CM:
i work next to you
you are quiet
and soothing to all of our clients
they repeat back to you like a fish in a bowl
because they like how you make them feel
and look

sometimes your eyes are sadder than others
and sometimes you cant be at work because of the dr appt or the hospital visit
and then sometimes you are brave and share that your insides are broken
and so is your heart
and you keep pressing in and saying yes we believe this can happen
and then sometimes your cramps come and its like starting over from scratch
as we all hold our breath

but

I know my God
he says "Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart"
and I think that is a promise and so
I know my God
he will fulfill
and maybe it will come in the form of something else because sometimes
sometimes that is how it happens
but I cannot help but believe that
he has heard your cry

and he is saying shh, cease striving
know that I am God

and I have stories, my sister
of where he did this very thing
and filled the desires of hearts with
exactly that.

your desires.



God,
thank you. and God
please
let it be the case that I can write a story later on
about CM
and her womb that is full.
let me have faith like K and S

you will fulfill this.
you will. I believe you will.

expose into the light

I've been busy the last month and so haven't really had the time to write. theres been a lot going on. a few sleepless nights a some clothes that have been ruined from oil paint and a house that looked like a tornado went through it.

i have a brother who could use your prayers. he is sick with anxiety and some form of mental illness that we are trying to put our finger on. it makes some of my demons of anxiety and depression sort of jump back out at me, but God has been faithful to quiet some of it and put me back in a place of calm and surety.

anxiety is real.

I know I've talked about it before, but I want to talk about it more. because there are a lot of people that struggle with this, this and depression and fear and insecurity and I think if we talked about it more we would find that being real is so freeing it is so easy to paint this picture of perfection when really we all have these looming things that we deal with like hating to do laundry and dishes, or hearing voices that aren't there, or fear we are a lesbian, or being scared of ferris wheels... I dont care what it is, sometimes things like these sit on our heads and push us down and we never talk about them and I think we should because chances are someone probably LOTS of people can relate.  (When I list things like that, im not listing things that i necessarily deal with, but either i or people i know deal with and have dealt with) I can relate. I didn't start getting healing until I spoke those things out. when I spoke them out they started to lose power...

something my husband says a lot is "we get to choose." and we do. we get to choose. we get to make decisions about our life. we get to decide what to be angry about and how long to stay angry. we get to decide when to raise our voice and what words to use and if we want to forgive and get healing. we get to decide if we want help for that issue or not or if we want to keep it like a little precious all to ourselves.

I hated fear for awhile, but I was also addicted to it. too encompassed by it that I couldn't let go. and it was really hard for a few years, training my mind, fighting it. some times I wanted to give up. everyday was exhausting. medication helped. but I still had to fight my demons and when I did I got to go on less medication. and im happier now. less anxious.

but I still get anxiety.

and thats ok. its ok as long as i am still fighting.

because life is real and hard and struggles shouldn't define us or surprise us because in this life we fight things that we cannot see. especially as Christians.

and we get to choose what to think and believe and what to follow.

but i tell you
Jesus has changed me. he's made me new.
hes delivered me from my fears.
ive seen him give people power to clean their houses when its their least favorite things
or fight for their marraige when they were having obsessive thoughts about someone else
or disconnect decide to get rid of facebook when they were looking up people and images that weren't ok, or confess to addiction to a entire room of people or say "i dont know Jesus and I want to"

ive been there.

I didn't know him for a long time and I had to break through and past a lot of false ideas about who he was and who the Father was before I could get to hear him and know him and see him and I still have to seek

but seeking will be blessed, God promises that

and I still have to fight old demons and new
but it gets easier as I start thinking Gods thoughts and not my own
and learning how to make decisions based on wisdom and not feeling because feelings are fleeting

so if your reading this, I guess what Im saying is
expose all the darkness

i dont care if its as weird as a fettish for kids or laziness or pornography
these things might be scary to talk about and to let out into the light
but it is necessary
in order
to
be
free.

and I have read far too many stories  and known way too many people who didn't expose their sins and their insides and it ate them alive and destroyed their lives

and they ended up in jail for life because they never talked about it and it turned into rape or murder
or almost lost their three girls and amazing wife for a summer fling
or led an entire church astray because they kept their little secret a secret

maybe these things sprung from things that happened to them as children
but we get to choose what to talk about
what to let take hold of us
what to expose or what to keep a secret


and so i want to challenge and encourage people to
talk
about
what
is
going
on
inside.

no matter what
(we are all broken)

and know that no matter what
there are people who will love you despite your crap
and your fear
and your fettishes
because you are a human

and it is only normal to struggle.

(but to not struggle with them is to accept them)