I tell her twice 

"Til all of this calms down"

She thanks me 

But inside I imagine she is thinking 

"All of this will not calm down

My husband is going to die"

_i never have the right words 

Linds

I find you

Like a tree

With shade 

There are not many words

Just shade

And a drink of water for a thirsty soul

No piddling around for swaying or conflict

Firm like a muscle that is used

Distinct like a flamingo on one leg 

Steadfast, unlike Michigans weather 

Jeannie

Lavendar

Still

After months in the dark village of alaska

Still

Smells sweet 

Like a house

A chimney, wet with fire 

The sun earning his hands over the sand

Carving his way into our lake 

You have never changed 

You are warm

And kind 

And pregnant with perfume 

Even though I have never smelled it on you 

I am nothing 

But a seagull in a city

Trying to fly home 

_heavenbound

What will I say when she needs highlights 

And we both know her husband is home with two children 

Dying 

Why am I worried about what I will say

When it is her who is losing

This man 

__brain tumor 

It is better to give 

Than to recieve

_Jesus

Gospel

Living all of these years as if the roof is caving in

my hands and Elbows

Shaking 

Trying to hold it all up so people will say

What a very nice house you have 

How very strong you are 

Good work 

Always thought I'd be homeless without it and that's why I put all my energy there

I finally found that once I had nothing left 

And all of it fell in 

That just outside was a mansion He had built for me

I was just to preoccupied striving for myself all these years 

To accept his care 

His strength

Himself 

Applause 

_addict 

Black sheep

Dirty sheep

Weak sheep

Empty sheep

_exactly where he wants me

_need 

I'm incapable 

_best news 

Even my try

to be better

Is control 

_i lay my head in his hands softly and ask him to do it for me

I feel so 

Disorganized 

Complicated 

Unworthy 

Trying to peel apart all of the layers

On my own

Little girl 

You are so loved 

__and I am won

He took every part of me 

And made lungs and flowers and remade this with colored pencil

Pastel of bright color

I guess I never asked him before 

To kill the thing that follows me around in the dark 

__anxiety 

__what would it look like made pretty

It was something she woke up wearing, she did not choose it

It was made of lead 

At first it made her so weak

It was

So heavy

She could barely breathe

For months

her feet could not even move under its weight

Over the years it has not left 

but everyday she has learned to live wearing it

Sometimes even dance 

Every once in awhile I catch her still struggling but she stills gets back up

It never left her

Just became easier to wear because she was stronger 

__grief 

And among the blood the liver

A fire that I did not put there 

I put all my organs into your hands 

And you did not collapse them

_Vulnerability 

Bitterness can start like an ant 

But gets into the bone 

Those small pen strokes can turn into a gallery over night if you don't care for them erase them tell them what you want from them 

__it can take a year 

your freedom is painful 

Yesterday it made me sick even in my fingernails 

Let me clarify 

It is not because we do not want you to be free 

It is because we know this will hurt all of you and it will take the oxygen out of the air for the rest of us

__holding our breath til it happens again 

I am not sure you know how to feed yourself anymore 

And you have told us you need no medication 

You need medication like you need bread but

Your brain no longer recognizes a spoon 

to watch you starve 

Keeps me up at night 

__leaving the psych ward 

__is this how God feels when we tell Him he's wrong 

I left my Azalea bush for two nights 

It went unwatered only that long 

And when I came home all of its petals looked like soggy paper 

Downcast and limp

Wilted 

Do not tell me that God did not make some of us to need water every day

And some to only need it once a month

Our root systems are different you know

And your hard exterior does not make you better prettier or stronger 

Some plants need no sun

Some need full sun and moist soil everyday 

It was his plan you know to make everyone different 

And I beg your pardon but

Who told you it was okay for you to tell a plant you plan on making it stronger and better by starving it of all of the gentleness softness and sweetness that can make it live 

I wilt without full sun And moist roots

And I have spent too long being ashamed

Scalp massage

With this 

I try to remove the ladders 

from your head

The ones you've been climbing

Sleepless 

Show me God

How to in this

Reflect you

When it is

The opposite

I want to do. 

_the truth of the matter

You are like the

Loose strands of a braid 

The embrace of a lilac

A faucet barely running 

Freshly cut herbs 

It might be easy to find your own flaw

The curve of your shoulders or what you might think 

A tongue too still but

_Are you aware of your gold 

The antelope of his voice 

The quick there is not much time 

There is wind and heavy loads

But I wanted your voice

The on top of the mountain

Part of his voice 

_it is what brought me down the aisle

The story fell

Like large camels from her tongue

Smoke snaked around 

And into

Our hair 

And while I hugged her 

She shook 

It is a hard thing to be swept up by a man 

To be willing to change your shape to make him more yours

This man

raw and violent

Soft and destroyed 

All in the same room

The smell of his alcohol 

His hands 

Bringing back all of the memories 

That took her childhood and broke her into the hummingbird 

We know her to be 

__a hummingbird is dainty but no one knows she can put a mountain in a sea if she put her mind to it