children

we are
exhausted

he snores next to me, then turns
inhales all the flem lying in his esophagus

the window rattles as the sun turns in for the evening
dusk begins to lick everything

we are
exhausted

one of the children asked me yesterday
are you going to have kids
and I spread open my arms wide to show her the room around us
and said, look, we have almost 100 already.

she thought it was funny, but
i meant it.

this weekend, these few tiny days remind me what it was like to be
tiny

one person laughed at me during a sporty game and i went crumbly crumbling to my husband
because it reminded me of being young

i remember i would have liked someone to put me under their wing then
but i had no one and so i tested the limits on how short my shorts could go
without dad saying a thing
or how flirty i could be and how many little boys heads i could turn
i was loud and flamboyant and blonde and tiny
like these girls, desperate for direction for a role model
desperate for attention
for someone to think they have something to offer

her
eyes go all misty because she is stuck on a team without friends
no one will talk to her
her eyes are huge and swollen behind those large glasses
they make her eyes look even bigger like a cartoon
I can see grief and also pulling on me at the same time trying to sway my decision
her
hair tight like string bound on a knitting ball to her head
i try to weigh between kind and soft and stern
knowing she needs boundaries and rules but also
her dad at one time hung by a string and left them helpless

she
pastors daughter, wants to change the world by changing herself
getting stuck in the mountains somewhere far away from people
so she can "find herself and get close to God"
I saw a little something she wrote on the front of her journal this weekend
"God is working in me"
her eyes look straight through you and her laughter is confident but
she still looks at the size of herself in the mirror
and surveys what she sees
she loves the jeep and wants to be homeschooled and likes to wear clothes that are
comfortable and covering and
i like her spirit
it is strong

her
mascara somehow stays on all night and those eyelashes look as tall as trees when you compare them to your own, i see myself in her drivenness, her overness
her correct words her constant work to impress
her over talking
shucking herself across my lap, feet in her friends
hair draping long
she told me yesterday that her Father was Catholic, until he met her mom
and then he changed but it didn't shake the strictness from him
and the only way she can relate to him is by pushing herself to the end with her sports
all of her muscles tight and bound to her legs like a baby in a sling
she is the one the angels had a party over
and i pray she doesn't follow him just because of fear
but because of love

she
the quiet gem.
tight in her head with so much to offer, she is careful with her words
sometimes they are drawn out of her carefully by me or her or her
but I see her take everything in
and her hands write a scroll with all that she learns
she shares that someday she would maybe like to be a missionary
and that is all she needs to say to us
no fluff or gushing or over impressing
simple and to.the.point.
i know there is music in her and color
everyone can see it
she will soon be a butterfly.

her
brother tells us how hard it is for him
to be a brother to adopted children
the chaos, the noise, the constant fighting for peace
the demon possessed brother who promises to kill
they talk thick and long all the way home and yet were so collected
all of retreat. it just has sunk in for them that the adopted ones are 100% their siblings
in the same way that God has made them 100% their own
and this will change everything.
she is quick to hug me,  her Dora haircut always falls perfect at her shoulders
i find her often at my elbow
arms open
waiting for a hug or giving one, sometimes slung across M during worship
so quiet, very few questions or inquiries or comments
yesterday she wondered if God knows who will come to him
or if it is our choice
and I said yes. to both.

she
lets the tears fall as i put my hand on her knee and ask God to do the same
he is already but maybe she doesn't know that He is the Father that she
has never met before, the one who left them when she was just a baby
he can fill and will fill and does fill this space that has so long been empty
her dark eyes, little curls spraying themselves out of her poney-tail
she tells me secrets and afterwards, afraid I will share
I will not share and I can see it is a choice she is making
to trust me
this little fragile daughter so interested in being accepted
so loud to try and be heard
so unorderly to try and be extraordinary
she already is
she just doesnt know it does not hinge on herself

i could share more
there are many more
but these are a few of my children
and i am learning to love them well
with him
next to him
and HE

angel party

maybe it was just God sitting up there with his wooly white beard on his throne surrounded by sapphire
maybe he was the only one that knew that this night was not going to be a normal night

D, the professor, pastor extrodanair (can you just spell that one out? I dont know how to spell it, i tried, i was homeschooled) talked about Revelations. a book i know so little about. and it was so good, he put some perspective out there with his pacing, his uneven tone, his pictures

he asked us if we had ever asked the question, "am I the antichrist?" and if we hadn't asked that, he asked us to ask, am i at all anti Christ? What in my life is not PRO CHRIST

he talked about how there was a people in bible times, (I wish I could spell the name of them), who, to avoid death and persecution chose in their hearts to "remain Christians" and yet on the outside live in a way, speak in a way, act in a way that no one would know so that they had to pay no consequence for their Christianity

and after, when he was done preaching, when we huddled into the back room, M laid on the floor with her hand up waiting for attention, and wanted to ask as soon as she could, even before the rest of us were all seated. Her long hair sprawled out behind her, her countenance seemingly calm, inside alarms going off

"how do I know if I am anti- Christ? How do I know if I am a  Christian?"


I was amazed at how when I asked the girls "how can you be saved" they gave generic answers about doing certain things to be a Christian instead of once mentioning faith or Jesus taking all their sins

Even C, Even L asked "how do I know if I actually have Jesus?"
one sitting straight in her rocking chair, not a word until this, not a movement, not a sound
absorbing all this Jesus talk as if their life depended on it (it does)

L, calmly on her knees, hair falling curly over her shoulders, absorbing all this Jesus talk as if her life depended on it (it does)

and then when we offered to pray over them, for them to repeat it
they asked "can we do this at home? Can we ask Jesus into our hearts when we are alone? and how do we do it?"

Oh, and the journey has just begun... this growing into the gospel
this trying to climb a mountain to understand the love he has for us
when we will never get to the top
we will never understand
it is too large
(Even if the mountains fall into the sea, his love will never fail us)

but the gospel will change them as they learn it
as they learn what it means to be loved no matter what and then to pour out the same kind of love right back onto others

oh it has just begun
and we have 10 seventh graders
who are eager and ready and willing
and I feel so blessed to walk next to them in this.

As I prayed M's eyes began to spill.
and when we were done she was so worried about looking as if she had cried

I want to tell the world that she did
because last night, the angels had a large party of praise about all of this
I am sure of it.

boot straps untied, one laying heavy on its side
the snow has evaporated now and leaves salty little crispy crystals lying about the front door

I dont sweep. I hate sweeping.

fruit lays out on the counter, I put it out right in the middle of EVERYTHING because if I dont
if I hide it behind the doors of the refridgerator it wont get eaten

I dont eat fruit. I hate eating fruits and vegetables if I have to. I like them if they are handed to me all cut up and crispy and clean but I hate the work.

yesterday there was a pair of underwear in our living room and another across the floor of the bathroom along with one black sock and another with an argyle pattern

I dont fold his socks or hang up his shirts. I hate laundry.

I thought I would keep a house a whole lot crispier than I do.
sometimes I have sheer panic when I think of someone who is calm collected and organized walks through my door
in fact I had a dream that that girl with the perfect smile, an interior decorator, walked through my door and I was screaming and having a temper tantrum and knew she never would do such a thing
and for some reason I think this dream was about my house and not about my tantrum
because I always think of myself as failing
like my life is sprawled out like a jar of pencils spilled long across a floor
I always feel like I tripping, running into cabinents and such

I like to get things done but I have ADD and I start about 437253 projects all at one time. much to my dismay

you should see that art room of mine

but, I have learned to be calmer
I have learned to not panic
not as much
to sit and write with my dog, her chin propped up against the blanket
my bed isn't even made and my dryer just beeped and I think I only started to fill the dishwasher

I DREAD CHILDREN not because I dont want them but because I know it will make all of this chaos even worse

but maybe God doesn't see it as chaos
maybe he sees it as my husband does
"we live here, Chelsea... this house is lived in, its not messy"

and so. I take my Mothers advice
for anxiety,
depression,
chaos,
unvaccumed floors,
full counter of dishes,
work
picking up those boots lying across the floor in the salt crystals,

and I say yes I will

"just, do the next thing."

E.

 I met her because a dear friend and coworker decided to move with her husband
and the baby growing inside of her
to Grand Haven
she asked me if I would take Evelyn, and I said yes
I knew to some extent what it was I was saying yes to
but I didn't know that
 
underneath most of her toenails is yellow dead skin
each one is lifted, sitting high on a pillow of it
and it is my job to carve and peel that all off and back
and file down the raw edges that jab into her shoes and rub up against the other toenails fighting for space in her shoes
it is I that
cuts away at the excess nailbed

usually she cannot feel her feet, in the years past
but recently, feeling has come back
and when I press and massage and move her feet in circles
increasing circulation,
she winces

there are places on her feet that are inflamed and swollen
red with pus or something underneath
because she took a file to it herself or cut at it with a knife

one day she pulled out a real pair of scissors and asked me to go at her mass of a callus with it
and I told her no and to put her scissors away

her laugh is never full
it is half and tired and partial
the same way that her arms move to move a piece of hair out of her face
slow and passive and crinkle- crackle-y

sometimes she is late for her appointments and so I dont fill the bowl till she checks in
sometimes she forgets her appointment all together (because of the roads, or the late night before)
or
if she comes
she waddles in and sits heavy in her seat
heavy because it takes us ever so long to get from her seated position in the chair of the waiting room
into the pedicure bowl in the back
lately she has brought a cane to help support her in her journeys
and most of the girls say "she probably shouldnt even get pedicures" or if I meantion
"I have E today," they say "shh, im trying to eat." like they couldn't if they thought of her

but it isn't fungus
she has been cleared by the nurse
and so
we continue

I wear gloves.
usually I find toenails stuck in my leggings or boots after I am done
or dead skin
and really, everytime I am done I throw out the file
just in case

After each Pedicure where we go over again how she likes her nails short and how she needs the newest of new people magazine yes the one with the date in the future and I travel all over the salon to find it, and how we discuss that the salon got rid of her favorite colors,

after each pedicure I go to the front and get her a French Vanilla coffee with exactly four creamers, and we move her load of a soul of a human into the processing room where she sometimes stays for an hour, feet up, drying, breathing, reading, drinking coffee with so much sugar in it I dont know how she handles it, and then she slowly lumbers to the front but only after a ten minute putting-her-shoes-on process and checks out.

I get the feeling that though Evelyn never married she is not lonely
she is slow and sadly content and unenthusiastic about life
she has a friend, but doesn't put boy and friend into the same word
because even though he is younger and interested in marrying E
she doesn't want to move to Flint someday

but every pedicure she tells me how he comes,
sometimes daily
to care for her lawn, or her mail, or her animals, or heaven forbid, her toenails
and I say that she needs to marry Tony and she laughs and says that since he someday will move to Flint to be with his daughter
it is out of the question
but then tells me about his pond and fish hobby
or the movie they just saw

once, days ago she was a teacher
and still takes once-a-week-travels to Muskegon where the school was
her hair is washed and shopping is done
and it exhausts her

she has pigeons or guinea foul or something like that
and horses, I think
I dont know how she manages to feed them when she can barely carry her own legs places



you know, I used to complain every time she came in and roll my eyes if she forgot to come
but them God reminded me that we are asked to rub feet
we are asked to "care take"
to be shade, and light and love and water
to get on our knees

and sometimes I remind myself that maybe E is actually an angel
a real angel
with really bad feet (to see, can I love?)

and it helps me to remember to love her well
and it was then, when that sunk in,
that she became my friend
and not just a pair of bad feet.

if you

if you want to learn to be kind, be overly kind so eventually, you are kind.

if you want to be committed, be obsessed with commitment, so eventually, you are committed.

if you want to be Godly, pursue wholeheartedly, put everything into it, and do not stop. love him with everything in you... let nothing stand in your way. turn your face like stone away from distraction. eventually, God will show you that you will never be Godly on your own, but you will want to be Godly, and that is what he wants.

if you want to be full of grace, learn to love yourself even in your flaws, forgive yourself, disobey yourself when you are doing things simply because you are doing them to find value in them or to try and "please God to make him love you", and let God love you without works (if that is the only reason you are doing them) let him fill that space, let him be enough, let yourself be flawed. And then let others be flawed and over look their flaws and give them grace. powerful words are those that go beyond the darkness, and bring light and grace. show people the grace you have received. Jesus says no matter what to you, he looks over your flaws and opens his arms everyday. dont be afraid to do this for others, it is what changes people.

if you want to be a singer, pursue song, pursue singing, dont talk about it, walk about it.

if you want to love without condition, love despite everything, tell that person no matter what, tell him again, tell her again, tell her even if you dont believe it, tell her if its the correct right thing to do, keep telling her until you mean it. eventually you will and you will wonder why you never did it before.

if you are flawed and have destroyed something and regretted it, ask for forgiveness. forgive yourself. bare the consequences of your actions and live in humility in it. Let it change you. Turn in everyway possible from your mistakes. Let them make you better. Do what you know God would ask you to do. Dont make excuses. Dont continue based on feeling. continue based on obedience to him. tell other people you are sorry. be sorry. tell the judge you are sorry. tell everyone affected you are sorry. and turn around and walk the other direction. dont just walk, run. Let other people love you and let that love bring gratitude and joy and more love in yourself. dont work for their love, let their love be a gift. we love you no matter what.

if you want to or even if you dont want to, Forgive other people. Dont let your feelings of anger stop you... say it out loud. I forgive you. say it when you are alone, say it to the person, say it to your friends even if you do not feel it. God will bring healing in his time but forgiveness and forgiving others is your choice.

if you want to stop being double minded, if you want to stop being confused, let your yes be yes and your no be no. make a decision and follow it as if it is all you know. anything besides this is confusion and confusion is not from God. When you second guess or doubt yourself, remember when you made the decision, remember if you made that decision with wisdom, remind yourself that it is the right one. preach to yourself. This will give you a clean honest life. Let your yes be yes and your no be no, anything else is evil. Jesus said that.

if you want to be sweet, be overly sweet, until you are sweet. 

2015 // if God gives me the days

1. go to israel
2. have a simple, doable, body shaping plan
3. be sweet to this man I love
4. photo project 2015// with Talitha: visit it here: photo project 2015
5. plan Yellowstone trip 2016 (for work: photo and painting inspiration)
6. plan resort trip... for someday
7. educate and train at Genesis Salon and Day spa
8. Enter Artprize for the first time
9. get a tattoo
10. begin project for church paintings
11. blog.
12. Write at least 6 chapters to completion in the book about Jana's life
13. go platinum again
14. Pray for the three men everyday. Guidance. Gospel. Godliness.
15. breathe well. rest well. work well. play well.
16. continue to be transformed by the gospel
17. gratitude.
18. Recite the two greatest commandments daily
19. train for israel
20. collect Christmas presents all year round that are meaningful so that Christmas is restful and I can concentrate on the real meaning of it
21. do all the reading for israel
22.

Jeannie in a bottle baby

J, is like lavender.
the three creases next to her mouth on both sides, water stain across her turquoise tank top and long sweater to cover up the supposed hole in the butt of her workout pants

she hops around helping Wolf play, or dressing him as hulk, or distracting him while I fishtail a piece of his hair
all for education purposes of course
there are Christmas cards dangling from rope and chili peppers hanging above her sink and linen hand towels halfhazardly shucked over counters & there is a verse sketched on chalkboard
and a tiny butter dish with an orange chicken on top & she is bashful when she talks about how kickbutt she is at running marathons and sewing and knitting and cooking and giving presents and being a mom and a wife and a sister and a friend

up and down the stairs placing Ruby in her bed, taking her out, putting her back
makes a comment about how sorry she is for the "choir you'll be hearing" when her baby starts to wale. I barely notice though, but Jean? she is aware. she apologizes.

her husband, beard untrimmed, long hair pulled back into a mun (aka. "man bun") heaps servings of pancake mix onto the stove.. two bowls, one specific for mom of the house, "gluten-free" and the other just normal

blueberry
chocolate chip
pancakes?
yes, please.

three servings of coffee? I will never deny another!

and the table is full of chatter and laughter and stories and wisdom and coffee and tiny tangerines and banana orange juice and always before you leave Jean hands you a mason jar full of her famous granola, or a soft muffin, or just happens to have a tiny bag full of gluten free peanut butter cookies or something to make you feel healthy and guilty at the same time

now do you get it? she is like lavender. 
we talk about being different things to the world, light & shade and water and
well,
 she is lavender.

connect

something I have learned in the last five years is,
not everyone has to like me.

no, Im serious, I didnt know that before.

imagine my relief.

I have spent so much of my life and my time and my energy trying to make everyone feel about me the way I thought they should, MORPHING into their every whim, attending to their every invitation, fearing when I turned my back what they would think of me.

someone told me today, " i heard she just... doesn't really connect with you." and do you know what? thats ok.

because I dont have time to connect with everyone.
i just dont.
and neither do you.

and I had to learn the hard way that even Jesus had his 3, and then also his 12, and his 12 each had their few, and so there were 72... and so on.

i eventually found myself exhausted until my friend, Tammy D, told me a practice she had learned. She made three circles. the first has three people in it. the second had 12. and the third had a certain number. and it wasn't to try to be exclusive or rude or unfriendly, it was for sanity. To remind herself who it was that God had invited her in that season to invest in. Who had he called her to love? who had he called her to call family?

and then you love furiously. you love them well. you do your best. you dont exhaust yourself or feel the need to connect with everyone and their mom and their moms sister who knows a guy who has an aunt who owns a jelly donut shop... you are a human being with only so much to give and offer and if you give and offer you want to give well and large and long and wide and reflect Christs love

you
you know your capacity

i thought I was an extrovert, SNORT
THAT WAS A JOKE

I learned finally from exhaustion how much I loved to be alone
and i have since learned

and i have found so much health in surrounding myself with my few, and then my few, and then my crowd. its a warm cozy home and because Jesus is enough for me its now ok when someone "doesn't really connect with me" because

they dont have to.

M.

I

yank out the sweet young girl i foil
large blue eyes that hold so many feelings thoughts ideas dreams

and when she talks about him, him who lives nearby
him who loves the redskins
her eyes giggle
if they had a noise, it'd be this.

she is accustomed to a language without noise
an empty apartment
cats
the civic theater with fingers moving rapidly to keep up and people read
her hands
fighting Grand Valley single handed to continue a program she believes in without sharing exactly how she thinks and feels but I think she must think them deaf

she has become a friend, I feel I know her
past the dark red Redken lolites that used to be brown and golden not white hilites and the toner that sets it and new found layers after a year of blunt cuts

today i curled your hair and hugged you as you left and I could tell
you felt pretty
and our interaction
had brought you joy

"i like hair day" you exclaimed at the shampoo bowl
and it made my eyes giggle.

Rowsters Series: something I wrote but never posted...

its a series Im dedicating to my Dad--who, amongst other things like a flat chest and long torso--gave me a passion for adventure, travel, and a love for God.

He, next to my hippie (very hip) mother was the one who introduced me at a young age to the battlefields of Gettysburg and the gravestones of New England marking the life and death of leaders of our past;

mountains of
Colorado

wide open sky of
Montana

Yosemite and its Mighty Neck

Bison of the Dakotas

from there I traveled the world, much to my Fathers dismay.

Did you know, Dad? I always thought you were hardcore
you skied in jeans with minimal layering and almost died in a flood in Estes Park
what more could a daughter want in a Father
a Father passionate about jazz, beer, prayer

God.

i believe it is the things we view as bigger than us that make us passionate
they make us chase
keep us going

and also, places that take the breath out of us.

These images, these paintings are a symbol of that
and I pray you find the same thing greater than yourself that I have found that will make you chase, turn back from bad decisions, thirsty for beauty

like I have.