boot straps untied, one laying heavy on its side
the snow has evaporated now and leaves salty little crispy crystals lying about the front door

I dont sweep. I hate sweeping.

fruit lays out on the counter, I put it out right in the middle of EVERYTHING because if I dont
if I hide it behind the doors of the refridgerator it wont get eaten

I dont eat fruit. I hate eating fruits and vegetables if I have to. I like them if they are handed to me all cut up and crispy and clean but I hate the work.

yesterday there was a pair of underwear in our living room and another across the floor of the bathroom along with one black sock and another with an argyle pattern

I dont fold his socks or hang up his shirts. I hate laundry.

I thought I would keep a house a whole lot crispier than I do.
sometimes I have sheer panic when I think of someone who is calm collected and organized walks through my door
in fact I had a dream that that girl with the perfect smile, an interior decorator, walked through my door and I was screaming and having a temper tantrum and knew she never would do such a thing
and for some reason I think this dream was about my house and not about my tantrum
because I always think of myself as failing
like my life is sprawled out like a jar of pencils spilled long across a floor
I always feel like I tripping, running into cabinents and such

I like to get things done but I have ADD and I start about 437253 projects all at one time. much to my dismay

you should see that art room of mine

but, I have learned to be calmer
I have learned to not panic
not as much
to sit and write with my dog, her chin propped up against the blanket
my bed isn't even made and my dryer just beeped and I think I only started to fill the dishwasher

I DREAD CHILDREN not because I dont want them but because I know it will make all of this chaos even worse

but maybe God doesn't see it as chaos
maybe he sees it as my husband does
"we live here, Chelsea... this house is lived in, its not messy"

and so. I take my Mothers advice
for anxiety,
depression,
chaos,
unvaccumed floors,
full counter of dishes,
work
picking up those boots lying across the floor in the salt crystals,

and I say yes I will

"just, do the next thing."