expose into the light

I've been busy the last month and so haven't really had the time to write. theres been a lot going on. a few sleepless nights a some clothes that have been ruined from oil paint and a house that looked like a tornado went through it.

i have a brother who could use your prayers. he is sick with anxiety and some form of mental illness that we are trying to put our finger on. it makes some of my demons of anxiety and depression sort of jump back out at me, but God has been faithful to quiet some of it and put me back in a place of calm and surety.

anxiety is real.

I know I've talked about it before, but I want to talk about it more. because there are a lot of people that struggle with this, this and depression and fear and insecurity and I think if we talked about it more we would find that being real is so freeing it is so easy to paint this picture of perfection when really we all have these looming things that we deal with like hating to do laundry and dishes, or hearing voices that aren't there, or fear we are a lesbian, or being scared of ferris wheels... I dont care what it is, sometimes things like these sit on our heads and push us down and we never talk about them and I think we should because chances are someone probably LOTS of people can relate.  (When I list things like that, im not listing things that i necessarily deal with, but either i or people i know deal with and have dealt with) I can relate. I didn't start getting healing until I spoke those things out. when I spoke them out they started to lose power...

something my husband says a lot is "we get to choose." and we do. we get to choose. we get to make decisions about our life. we get to decide what to be angry about and how long to stay angry. we get to decide when to raise our voice and what words to use and if we want to forgive and get healing. we get to decide if we want help for that issue or not or if we want to keep it like a little precious all to ourselves.

I hated fear for awhile, but I was also addicted to it. too encompassed by it that I couldn't let go. and it was really hard for a few years, training my mind, fighting it. some times I wanted to give up. everyday was exhausting. medication helped. but I still had to fight my demons and when I did I got to go on less medication. and im happier now. less anxious.

but I still get anxiety.

and thats ok. its ok as long as i am still fighting.

because life is real and hard and struggles shouldn't define us or surprise us because in this life we fight things that we cannot see. especially as Christians.

and we get to choose what to think and believe and what to follow.

but i tell you
Jesus has changed me. he's made me new.
hes delivered me from my fears.
ive seen him give people power to clean their houses when its their least favorite things
or fight for their marraige when they were having obsessive thoughts about someone else
or disconnect decide to get rid of facebook when they were looking up people and images that weren't ok, or confess to addiction to a entire room of people or say "i dont know Jesus and I want to"

ive been there.

I didn't know him for a long time and I had to break through and past a lot of false ideas about who he was and who the Father was before I could get to hear him and know him and see him and I still have to seek

but seeking will be blessed, God promises that

and I still have to fight old demons and new
but it gets easier as I start thinking Gods thoughts and not my own
and learning how to make decisions based on wisdom and not feeling because feelings are fleeting

so if your reading this, I guess what Im saying is
expose all the darkness

i dont care if its as weird as a fettish for kids or laziness or pornography
these things might be scary to talk about and to let out into the light
but it is necessary
in order
to
be
free.

and I have read far too many stories  and known way too many people who didn't expose their sins and their insides and it ate them alive and destroyed their lives

and they ended up in jail for life because they never talked about it and it turned into rape or murder
or almost lost their three girls and amazing wife for a summer fling
or led an entire church astray because they kept their little secret a secret

maybe these things sprung from things that happened to them as children
but we get to choose what to talk about
what to let take hold of us
what to expose or what to keep a secret


and so i want to challenge and encourage people to
talk
about
what
is
going
on
inside.

no matter what
(we are all broken)

and know that no matter what
there are people who will love you despite your crap
and your fear
and your fettishes
because you are a human

and it is only normal to struggle.

(but to not struggle with them is to accept them)