adoption and wombs

K:

I watch you
five years
grieve your womb
touch your middle, pray for it
cry
look on with jealousy at your sister who so easily bares children
cry
stand strong
pray again
try again
try everything the dr's recommend
you even let them sew your stomach so that perhaps
after shedding the extra weight
you can have a body that functions properly for a baby
and still God disappoints you

during this process God leads you to adopt from Africa
some commercial about children in Ghana and you step outside of yourself
you tell Kitri he will be the color of chocolate
you raise support
you decide the color of his room
and make a list of names that make you and A both smile
you can finally let go of your womb now

I dont pretend to understand
i cant imagine

and you follow
you keep walking
you chase after what He might have despite difficulty
the
doors slammed repeatedly in your face
oh adoptions in Ghana is closed now
oh its Ethiopia now
oh Grandparents want you to have a white baby not brown
the referrals seem so out of reach
and we dont get it

but you keep stepping forward because he said to, you raise the money
send the money
do what is asked
and then that little knock
from a coworker
begging you to look at a different idea
maybe domestic adoption
maybe her niece
and you pray and its a yes

and four months later a tiny peanut butter baby (as Jana might call it)
is laid in your arms
a premature birth
struggling to come off the drugs her mom exhaled

Lyric Gentry
you call her
and she is so perfect
with almond eyes
and a little round face

you hold her and photograph her and love her and thank God for writing this story
and it is a good good good story
and still now you always proclaim about God how good God is
and i like it

and then seven months later you take a pregnancy test and
it is positive.

and we cry and scream and cant believe this goodness
it is so yummy and perfect and even better than the turkey we are eating over Christmas

and God is good. because he loved Lyric so much that he waited for your womb to be open
so that your home could be open for her, and your heart
because he gives good good things
and promises to fulfill the desires of our hearts
even if it isnt what we think
and then once our desires our filled
he puts on the frosting
and we can't believe
how could it be even better than what we imagined.



S:
can you believe how beautiful she is
I always think it when she is in my chair, I think wow
her soft organ inside so alive and perky and beautiful
and a face to match

secretly im perfectly fine with her being so beautiful because
(and this has happened a few times)
someone told me that they waved at her on Sunday and thought she was me
and I was extremely complimented

and this woman, she is so so so full of faith that God will and does bring about desires of our hearts
for months, you know, I dont even know how long she suffered and struggled and didnt give up
I dont pretend to understand what she went through or how hard it was
sits in my chair a few times during this time of trying
full of faith and yet a little pepper of discouragement in a few spots
i doubt i ever said the right things
somedays I bet are harder than others but
God is good, you remind me, God is good

and I applaud you for never giving that up that God is good
and that HE WILL fulfill this for you
you know He will
no matter what people say
or how they tell you how to be barren
or tell you to read Hannah's story
your faith challenges me, S
know that

and then there was that last haircut where you told me a secret
that there was a tiny muchacha out there
needing a home
abandoned
and your eyes got shiny and bright and I think I almost cried
you've been stepping toward that
and into it
and trying to put on what the word "Mom" sounds like
like a shirt you might wear for ever that you have to hold loosely until she has your last name
its a God thing, we know because your husband is both feet in

and Sunday we are talking about normal things at church like
split ends and
adoption
small talk
I ask, are things still moving forward with the adoption and you say
yes yes
there you are beaming in your mustard yellow shirt
and then your eyes they get shiny and bright and I think I almost cried because
you told me you are ten weeks along
and

God
God you are
God you are SO GOOD

thats all i can say


and to CM:
i work next to you
you are quiet
and soothing to all of our clients
they repeat back to you like a fish in a bowl
because they like how you make them feel
and look

sometimes your eyes are sadder than others
and sometimes you cant be at work because of the dr appt or the hospital visit
and then sometimes you are brave and share that your insides are broken
and so is your heart
and you keep pressing in and saying yes we believe this can happen
and then sometimes your cramps come and its like starting over from scratch
as we all hold our breath

but

I know my God
he says "Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart"
and I think that is a promise and so
I know my God
he will fulfill
and maybe it will come in the form of something else because sometimes
sometimes that is how it happens
but I cannot help but believe that
he has heard your cry

and he is saying shh, cease striving
know that I am God

and I have stories, my sister
of where he did this very thing
and filled the desires of hearts with
exactly that.

your desires.



God,
thank you. and God
please
let it be the case that I can write a story later on
about CM
and her womb that is full.
let me have faith like K and S

you will fulfill this.
you will. I believe you will.