I will never leave you.

I am going to start saying no to you. 

& it always means yes to us. 

Only one

It is so hard to pick up all of these pens 

So many pictures to write 

All of the world

Can come at me

And only a few trees make it to paper

A few gasps of air 

Pieces of dandruff

Hums of machines 

And that is enough because I am only one life 

Good morning

Some misspelled " good morning " today by typing 

"God morning" 

And I figured, 

How appropriate.

Fear

I went many years saying

I will not cry

Nothing will affect me

I will only fix all of this

I can

But

Now the smallest things 

Make me feel broken 

... 

I bought a peace lily today because the green makes my house sing and I feel like keeping pieces of Eden in nooks and crannies of your house can up lift 

Bring you home

In a way 

I looked around for someone to help me with it, to tell

Me the name of the plant as the tag had fallen off and I didn't know what it was called or how often to water it and how

Much sun it needs (I need so much sun, and feel wilted and damp if I don't get the amount required on my tag)

So for this reason I knew it was essential to read the small print 

To know someone is to know how to care for them

A lady saw me searching 

She said "what are you looking for" with sort of a rude countenance as if I was doing something I shouldn't 

"Just someone who can help me with a plant, the tag has fallen off" 

"What plant" 

"I don't know what it's called, the tag is missing" 

She followed me over to the plant

Touch its base, its leaves, feeling the soil explaining that this was a Peace Lily, giving brief instructions on care with sort of a black and white countenance 

There was no gentleness 

No

Ability to read me

Like she had read tags

But I understand

This is just how some people have managed

To carry their own sorrow

I thanked her. 

I

Bought it. 

... 

I don't know if you know what it feels like to be alone, to live in fear for most of your life 

For someone to not read your tag but instead think the cure for sensitivity is to reinforce harshness 

As if somehow that will cure you 

Let me help you. 

It does not. 

... 

Two men saw me fumble with the plant in the parking lot 

My cart was blowing to the left and the heavy plant was hard to

Maneuver 

I could not see over top of it

The wind carefully blew it over 

Spilling its dirt out on the pavement 

I saw a man on my

Left 

On my right 

Walking into the store

I expected "oh I'm so sorry can I help you" or 

"Oh my goodness, let me help carry that for you" 

But like with most things I've felt my entire life 

They watched me 

Frantic

fumbling 

Thinking in their head how I should get a lesson on how to steer a cart

Spilling out in front of incoming traffic 

And they walked by not even acknowledging me

I heard from somewhere deep inside

I

Must 

Do

This 

Alone 

There is no one

So I fought the cart the wind the doors of my car

And as soon as the both of us were safe inside

(I named the plant oscar) 

The tears came back 

Sometimes

A person can be this close

Your skin on my skin 

Your lungs on my lungs 

And yet I am still lonely. 

Grandma and Grandpa : what really happened

Even the most profound people 

The people who have taught you how to stand and held your hands between theirs 

The people you have physically watched age

The people who have fed you and encouraged you to get education and have even paid part of your tuition can make mistakes 

Even they can 

Overdress for a woman who is not their wife 

And deliberately plan to leave all of it behind 

Even they can fantasize about a life that is not their own

And once this plan is found out

Once everything falls apart 

And you are still left with three children 

And the woman you almost betrayed 

You can spend the next 41 years of marriage suffering under her wrath

Rubbing her ankles and fetching her medication and standing next to her hospital bed as she tries to die 

... 

Bitterness can kill you too

If you cannot let it free

It can sit quietly destroying you inside your ribcage as you feed it 

Slowly it can climb into your bones 

And turn your eyes 

And build fluid around your heart 

They can call it heart failure 

Everyone else can just think you are stubborn and quietly they say it under your breath "she's a stubborn old bird" as you toss your medication across the room and threaten the nurse if she tries again 

Nobody knows you have 

Lived and breathed 41 years with a man who once tried to walk out 

Everyone thinks you stopped sleeping with him all these years ago because of the snoring 

But really it was because of her. 

... 

There are two sides to every story. 

Grandma

Wasn't it last week 

We huddled on your couch and you let me cut your hair discussing how your mother always told you eventually you have to leave room on earth for your grandkids 

I saw a few long hairs on your chin and tried to cut them too without you noticing 

You said "sometimes I just ask the good Lord to take me" 

But also discussed how you're trying to cut back on sugar (attempting to lose the extra weight) 

----- 

None of us can prepare

For the last day

Only for the one we are marinating in 

It is also her heart

You can force no one to live 

Say all you want to to manipulate her to eat

But you cannot force anyone to use their esophagus 

__ she learned how to kill herself this way from her brother 

A woman

Someone once told me, 

If you want to learn about a woman

Ask her to tell you about her Mother 

So I asked her, tell me about your Mother, what is she like?

"She is a lot like you, actually" 

She replied, brushing her blue hair past her shoulder, and looking at the wall. 

"Oh yeah?" I asked. "What do you mean?" 

"Well, she is adventurous. And you feel safe to be yourself around her. And one time, one time we went to a movie, and she cheered outloud during a scene." 

__the way students perceive you

.

I asked God what he thought about it 

I said "God what do you think about it?" 

& He said 

"You must love still" 

& 

"I've already taken care of it."