Crater

I don't know how 

We became close 

What with this gigantic crater sitting between us 

Somehow we got to the place where you send me photos of yourself remarking how very long I've been gone and I think what you might be saying is 

"You can come back now"

// 

He knew me when I was bad off 

When I couldn't sleep and there was a demon sitting politely on my forehead 

He knew me when my entire world was becoming unsewn at the seams, and I was frantic to put it all back together running here and there after my brothers my Dad seizing in the hospital while my mom was a puddle 

And she was always the strong one 

Little affected her 

During this time I turned against him most. 

I half expected him to save me and for him to love me enough when I hated myself 

// 

Shoulder to shoulder 

For years we didn't talk about it

The crater between us... slowly it became smaller 

And smaller 

It's still there , a few unspoken things 

I'm still a little afraid to be weak with you

But once when my brother was taken in to the hospital for his mental breakdown and I lost it in the break room you called me sweety and touched my arm and let me cry 

You told me a few days later you were praying for him

And I always believe you 

You don't have too many words and so when you speak I believe you 

A couple things unbuckled then

//

The reason I don't tell you everything: 

I feel I must balance what you've already learned about me from way back when

I'm embarrassed

Maybe I still believe you see me this way. 

But it's probably not true. 

// 

You came over to help me unpack recently 

And fold laundry 

It was weird you sitting on the bed surrounded by baskets of our things 

talking about underwear and sorting socks 

You were still dressed from work 

Just popped on by to help me get caught up so I could come out that night  

// 

You are a real friend

Loyal

Interesting

Challenging 

I want to tell you how much that means to me. 

Despite all the things you could think of me. 

And don't.