Fear

I went many years saying

I will not cry

Nothing will affect me

I will only fix all of this

I can

But

Now the smallest things 

Make me feel broken 

... 

I bought a peace lily today because the green makes my house sing and I feel like keeping pieces of Eden in nooks and crannies of your house can up lift 

Bring you home

In a way 

I looked around for someone to help me with it, to tell

Me the name of the plant as the tag had fallen off and I didn't know what it was called or how often to water it and how

Much sun it needs (I need so much sun, and feel wilted and damp if I don't get the amount required on my tag)

So for this reason I knew it was essential to read the small print 

To know someone is to know how to care for them

A lady saw me searching 

She said "what are you looking for" with sort of a rude countenance as if I was doing something I shouldn't 

"Just someone who can help me with a plant, the tag has fallen off" 

"What plant" 

"I don't know what it's called, the tag is missing" 

She followed me over to the plant

Touch its base, its leaves, feeling the soil explaining that this was a Peace Lily, giving brief instructions on care with sort of a black and white countenance 

There was no gentleness 

No

Ability to read me

Like she had read tags

But I understand

This is just how some people have managed

To carry their own sorrow

I thanked her. 

I

Bought it. 

... 

I don't know if you know what it feels like to be alone, to live in fear for most of your life 

For someone to not read your tag but instead think the cure for sensitivity is to reinforce harshness 

As if somehow that will cure you 

Let me help you. 

It does not. 

... 

Two men saw me fumble with the plant in the parking lot 

My cart was blowing to the left and the heavy plant was hard to

Maneuver 

I could not see over top of it

The wind carefully blew it over 

Spilling its dirt out on the pavement 

I saw a man on my

Left 

On my right 

Walking into the store

I expected "oh I'm so sorry can I help you" or 

"Oh my goodness, let me help carry that for you" 

But like with most things I've felt my entire life 

They watched me 

Frantic

fumbling 

Thinking in their head how I should get a lesson on how to steer a cart

Spilling out in front of incoming traffic 

And they walked by not even acknowledging me

I heard from somewhere deep inside

I

Must 

Do

This 

Alone 

There is no one

So I fought the cart the wind the doors of my car

And as soon as the both of us were safe inside

(I named the plant oscar) 

The tears came back