wish I could have been there

i can see it happening
the building is like a storm with all the chatter
everything is wooden including the mistress who just got called out in front of everyone

I think its funny all of that happening while people prowl for a table around all of you
eyes wide the lot of you
beer drinkers clueless
seeking a seat like a hungry dog for food

they are both there, you watch it all
oh its been so long since they were both there in the same room
she used to enter the house without a key and sing the children to sleep and now
im furious at the place she has in your life

I can see it
she is set back in her chair
yes, attacked and yes it was justified
we will do what it takes to fight for this

now let me talk to you, friends of this situation
I dont understand how you can just sit there with her
all of you
collectively sharing a beer and telling a story about your day
oh how cute your glasses are and your new bangs
gross
you act as if you dont know that 
someone elses husband just climbed into her bed
and you happen to call the wife of this man family

im so confused
how can you call HER family too?
bump elbows,
buy a beer
oh sit here sit here

this isnt how family works.
I think im mad again dangit

Im mad because this woman who has for practically her whole life
fought to love this man
him, tall and like a piece of lumber
so quickly crumbles when a young chicky-babe strokes his fancy
oh he thinks its fancy
this earth might tell him THAT is fancy
but just wait
is he really all that strong and how long will SHE keep him hypnotized
I think she must be crazy too giving herself to such weak weak man
does she really think shes strong enough to keep him around
tall like a piece of lumber

this woman
HIS WIFE
may I remind you
as you sit there with his MISTRESS
laughing over a beer
is a WOMAN not a girl
not a chicky BABE
geesh
she is the one who bore his children
she is the one who built a home
she is the one who cleaned his house and made his meals
she is the one who he called all those years while away driving truck
and wrote note card after note card of verses
packed little meals to surprise him
unfaithful man that he was, she endured and loved because
love believes all things
hopes all

sure, sure you can love her someday
but not while she lets that into her bed and her body
you can love her once she is a tree that has fruit
but now? not now. she is giving away all of eternity for this sugary feel good bite
gross

yes he does not deserve his wife and
why does he think he can punish himself with something he wants

im so confused as to how you can sit there
elbows on the same table
eye contact so perfectly alligned with this woman who spreads herself like butter
over top of a man who is not hers

this silly addiction will not pay off in eternity
it wont

and I know who will get the crown.


"Lord, who will dwell in your sacred tent? who will live in your holy mountain?
... the one who keeps an oath (vow//promise) even when it hurts and does not change their mind." Psalm 15

she

is a tiny box
that is full

the box is wood
sturdy
compact

most people have large boxes
full of very small things clanging around
trying to make enough noise to sound full

but
she is small
content
the box organized so that she can take one thing out at a time
and use it to its fullness

her feet are square
two of them
clunky fingers holding pen firm
like one block cut in half
perfect fit
eyebrows perfectly trim
knees lined up
even breath

she has been a pinecone you know
young and tight
full of seed
just freshly fallen from the tree
time will open it
you will see

and her seed
will bear much fruit

dear you

you are in a far far away place
remember this when your mind feels jumbled and uneasy
remember that the people you normally would turn to to cry with
or laugh with or spill all of this uneasy mind with
remember they are far away and so let yourself breathe a little
you will be home soon
you can sort it out then

B
he spoke on Sunday about the topic of discussion
he said you have nothing to fear because
if you have fear about it,
you have absolutely nothing to fear
people who fear what you are fearing
can literally not do what you fear
am i making sense
i hope I am
i think you will understand. no one else will even get it thats why
this is for you

i think you are in a place you cant skype or call or message
so know
im thinking of you
and its all going to be ok
you are okay okay?
because what you want you can have you know
and so if you want something different than what you fear
you wont go there. ever. ever. ever.

promise. 

im fragile
ive told him before but
he has forgotten
he forgets sometimes everyday it seems
 but then there I go again with my always and never and everyday

there are a few different kinds of cups you know that hold alcohol
im a wine glass
you are a beer mug

but you treat me and talk to me and drink from me like I am a beer mug
and sometimes I think it might break me because i am not meant to be handled this way

ive tried to be stronger
different
bolder
more blunt
sharp
even mean to you to connect with you
to communicate better but
i felt like it was not a language I knew well
and it came out all wrong and bent

it is not in my nature and so
we must learn
my love
to drink
of love
together

even though our hands are very different sizes
we must still hold hands

i fart on my dog alot in bed. she doesnt mind one bit.