Occupying the two chairs 

The wall of deck below us

We imagined this river as ours 

My chin started to quiver & his voice went quiet 

He made it a sheep 

"I know you don't like change"

She has a strong jaw 

His is the face of a rosebud

_balance

Feel the hardship 

As if it were a basket you could pick up

Let all of it hurt or harm you

Until you are ready

Until can carry the rest of life 

Let it give you all it has to offer you

And become gentle 

She is a dark warm cedar

stain of wood 

The shape of

the sliver of a moon

the voice of a quilt
the fireplace is in her voice

the waiting

it was in the sand that it came to me, Jackson Browns voice went over us and into us and taught us.
the breeze was small like candy and the sun was like a mountain over us.

sometimes there are specific things that settle in us, and it is then that we hear the Lord
that we know the Lord. there is so much that could settle in us that we ignore.

this time, it was his exhortation to wait. wait on the Lord.

I remember Joe Oakes and how he ran from the boiler room in a drunken rage and I remember when I prayed and God did not bring him back and I remember my anger towards God for that.

I remember years of praying for my little brothers, and watching them
up and down
grow and fall.
I was angry the gospel wasn't injected in them. That God hadn't completely changed them. yet.

but wait.
wait Chelsea.
wait on the Lord.
wrestle.

I had never understood that I could be angry with God. it felt like sin. it felt like it was wrong.

I remember when Missy taught me I could be angry. She said he was a Father and that a Father can handle his daughters emotions. I remember after that for the first time I told him how mad I was. I wept.

I grew thinking anger was wrong in fact I had trained it out of me and it had turned into cold hard rocks deep inside of me and dragged me down and made me angry bitter depressed.

this is what anger does if it is not expressed, recognized, delivered. you cannot learn if you cannot express anger. sometimes anger is healthy if it is delivered correctly. anger can protect us. anger can give us the energy to express. and then it can fall off of us.

it can also make us bankrupt if we hold onto anger. anger isnt meant to remain, it is supposed to be like a small island
a meal
a season
a moment
so we can grow past it and learn from it.

so I learned to wait
to wrestle
to ask questions and again
wait for answers.

there is a stirring in my soul, a waiting, a yearning to know what is next
an impatience

wait, wait on the Lord.
what do you have for me Lord?
tell me?
show me?
and his gentle response
to me
to you

wait on me.
I know what is best for you.
I'm your Father.
I know all of this.
I know you.
I see you.
wait on me.

Youth is so wet with summer 

And so close to teaching the earth to weep like it was meant to

_hope

"I see you've been painting a lot lately 

Is that becoming your idol?"

He whispered in my ear 

The warm of his voice was almost fire

Dank breath and crusty words 

"It is true"

I say

" I have been painting a lot lately

Color has taught me to breathe again"

"But shouldn't Jesus be the one that helps your breath? Shouldn't you rely on him more than your paint?"

I considered this, sitting shoulder to shoulder with the shadow 

Uncomfortable

Trying to weigh if this was conviction or guilt

His breath curling around me like a lip on a lip 

"Well, I see your point 

Dark Shadow,

But just now I remembered that 

He was the one who gave me all of this color

And told me everytime I use it 

He smiles 

And so I'll continue I think His words 

And not these new ones you've thrust on me" 

I had to collect myself 

My lung was in the front yard 

And my heart was on the staircase 

I had secured them to the wrong place on my body 

Because my eyes were torn from tears

It took a month to start feeling normal 

People said things like 

"Everything happens for a reason" 

And 

"All is well" 

I wondered if there was a God 

I shook my fist at him for all the years I hadn't saw repair 

I talked to a God and asked him questions because I knew that he was there 

He just kept looking at me 

Slowly drying my tears day and night while I couldn't breathe 

He didn't have to fix it 

I just had to realize 

He's doing all of it with me 

Leftovers

Mostly there was sugar 

Just a spoon of resentment 

_i found it in my chest

It is because of the frost 

That I learned to take the flower

By the stem 

When they bloom 

And not hold out too long 

Or for better color

_change 

This is when I remember that if I am dark it doesn't mean you are 

If I am sea 

You might not be

We are separate seeds 

I could grow without you