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Monday, July 18, 2016

the waiting

it was in the sand that it came to me, Jackson Browns voice went over us and into us and taught us.
the breeze was small like candy and the sun was like a mountain over us.

sometimes there are specific things that settle in us, and it is then that we hear the Lord
that we know the Lord. there is so much that could settle in us that we ignore.

this time, it was his exhortation to wait. wait on the Lord.

I remember Joe Oakes and how he ran from the boiler room in a drunken rage and I remember when I prayed and God did not bring him back and I remember my anger towards God for that.

I remember years of praying for my little brothers, and watching them
up and down
grow and fall.
I was angry the gospel wasn't injected in them. That God hadn't completely changed them. yet.

but wait.
wait Chelsea.
wait on the Lord.
wrestle.

I had never understood that I could be angry with God. it felt like sin. it felt like it was wrong.

I remember when Missy taught me I could be angry. She said he was a Father and that a Father can handle his daughters emotions. I remember after that for the first time I told him how mad I was. I wept.

I grew thinking anger was wrong in fact I had trained it out of me and it had turned into cold hard rocks deep inside of me and dragged me down and made me angry bitter depressed.

this is what anger does if it is not expressed, recognized, delivered. you cannot learn if you cannot express anger. sometimes anger is healthy if it is delivered correctly. anger can protect us. anger can give us the energy to express. and then it can fall off of us.

it can also make us bankrupt if we hold onto anger. anger isnt meant to remain, it is supposed to be like a small island
a meal
a season
a moment
so we can grow past it and learn from it.

so I learned to wait
to wrestle
to ask questions and again
wait for answers.

there is a stirring in my soul, a waiting, a yearning to know what is next
an impatience

wait, wait on the Lord.
what do you have for me Lord?
tell me?
show me?
and his gentle response
to me
to you

wait on me.
I know what is best for you.
I'm your Father.
I know all of this.
I know you.
I see you.
wait on me.

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Thank you so much for taking the time to say a lil sumthin! Im so grateful that you even read my words and I hope they inspire and draw you closer to Jesus!