Family and turkey

To leave is a sad sickening feeling 

The feeling you get at an airport or when someone put just the right flair to a eulogy and people are both laughing and crying 

It is s good sick sad feeling leaving home

Every

Single

Time.

Mom bags food for us to take home, each of us with our serving of mashed potatoes and dark and white meat

Sweet potatoes between the beans and the stuffing like the middle seat of a car 

Uncomfortable and orange 

Dad leans far over the sink

This is one of the first years I've seen him so engaged in the process 

Scrubbing the China and stacking it like little men that Mom cares for each holiday

Heaven forbid it be dishwashed 

Dad is a warrior today, 

The turkey knife buzzing like a tattoo gun or hair trimmers rattling behind an ear

The hustling

Jazz music plays and he names every song during our movie as if we are quizzing him

But we aren't 

Joe and K stretch far across the couches and between pillows their hands intertwined or comfortable across 

Sleeping next to each other 

This is good. I see that this is good despite any heated normal arguments or love songs waiting to be written or jobs as bartenders 

You are still walking forward and I am happy to watch. 

My insides hurt for the broken parts of this little body, this family 

The alcohol breath and the socks of a brother who now has been asked to care for himself

It is time 

The socks that haven't been cleaned in a month 

& then the stiff brother who is soft and strong like a lion 

Relearning to laugh 

With red eyes because he has meant it when he had been told to cry out

He sits through the entire movie though

Even enjoys it

And I'm proud of his lingering

This normality that was uncommon a year ago 

We are talking now about dating instead of eating and I find that to be a huge improvement 

I'm sick sometimes because my love for them is so large 

Max says I'm always stitching or trying for years

And he is right 

I was never going to cause issues 

It was my job to help

And it worked until 

I fell apart too and didn't know how to ask for help myself 

I know now 

Max is normal

Crammed behind the TV trying to get the football station to Come in strong

Beckoning Josiah to the roof 

Like its normal 

He has been my normal 

And has loved my quirky family like I love them 

And I'm grateful for all of it

My grandma with her bad leg and wide set eyes that she gave me and her sweet sweet spirit

The time she took today, rubbing my back... Something I can't ever remember her doing before. 

My Grandpa in plaid and in love holding her by her elbow, coughing up some nonsense about how our cousin shouldnt date someone who is not our kind

Our kind?? Meaning white?

We are messy and set in our ways and hurtful and hurting but

There is still love

And I'm so so grateful for this mess and this no matter what kind of love

Family.