.

I sobbed as I finished the story 

I put it off for an entire day 

Because there were three pages left and I knew how it would end 

I was wearing my purple swimsuit and laying across my floral towel and I knew how very girly it must sound with me sniffling there

The surfers were to my left proclaiming the waves small 

Pointing now and then as someone took one in anyway

Their arms folded at their middle 

For hours 

I had sunglasses on

I let out all the noises 

Hoping they couldn't hear me over the waves chatter 

They would understand if they had gotten to know Will Taynor like I did. 

.

Pockets full 

The moon a tiny thumb nail 

We did something 

We've  never done before. 

The eagles were there. 

Crater

I don't know how 

We became close 

What with this gigantic crater sitting between us 

Somehow we got to the place where you send me photos of yourself remarking how very long I've been gone and I think what you might be saying is 

"You can come back now"

// 

He knew me when I was bad off 

When I couldn't sleep and there was a demon sitting politely on my forehead 

He knew me when my entire world was becoming unsewn at the seams, and I was frantic to put it all back together running here and there after my brothers my Dad seizing in the hospital while my mom was a puddle 

And she was always the strong one 

Little affected her 

During this time I turned against him most. 

I half expected him to save me and for him to love me enough when I hated myself 

// 

Shoulder to shoulder 

For years we didn't talk about it

The crater between us... slowly it became smaller 

And smaller 

It's still there , a few unspoken things 

I'm still a little afraid to be weak with you

But once when my brother was taken in to the hospital for his mental breakdown and I lost it in the break room you called me sweety and touched my arm and let me cry 

You told me a few days later you were praying for him

And I always believe you 

You don't have too many words and so when you speak I believe you 

A couple things unbuckled then

//

The reason I don't tell you everything: 

I feel I must balance what you've already learned about me from way back when

I'm embarrassed

Maybe I still believe you see me this way. 

But it's probably not true. 

// 

You came over to help me unpack recently 

And fold laundry 

It was weird you sitting on the bed surrounded by baskets of our things 

talking about underwear and sorting socks 

You were still dressed from work 

Just popped on by to help me get caught up so I could come out that night  

// 

You are a real friend

Loyal

Interesting

Challenging 

I want to tell you how much that means to me. 

Despite all the things you could think of me. 

And don't. 

..

I like to be safe 

So when we arrive to the water fall and the water is green and cold and max mentions cliff jumping I feel like I'm shrinking 

He cannot wait to try 

He tells me to photograph him and he strips down to his coral striped suit and flicks his hair off his forehead and goes for it 

With vigor

I feel like I might throw up if I didnthe jump like he does 

He watches someone plunge from even higher and I hear his whisper 

I have to do that 

And I wilt 

Steadying the camera

My pulse quickening 

Hoping I don't have to carry home a quadriplegic all the way through the airport into Michigan 

(Maybe I'm thinking of wheelchairs and quads because of this book I'm reading, I'm not really sure. It's a romance novel okay. Nothing medical or about wild birds or South American waves so don't seem to interested.) 

I like to be safe 

But I also like to make people happy 

So I jump in 

I waddle over to the rope swing

I take a dive 

I swim to stand under the waterfall while he takes a picture because he wants to take a picture but I do not cliff jump 

There are a lot of people watching after all

And I cannot let them all down 

I let the water dribble over me and tell max that I feel as if I do not cliff jump he will be let down

And that is not the reason I want to do it 

He looks me in the face and tells me to look at him closely 

He says I don't want you to ever do it for me

Ever 

Only if you wanted to 

And so I put a towel on and remark how very cold I am all of a sudden and very done with the water 

I'm sure I'm entitled about lots of things, even kindness

For some reason I feel as if you actually feel entitled to be harsh with me if you don't understand what I'm saying

__how to resolve an argument when it's not a big deal and your both just hungry really

I step out of the car 

We've already had our eggs and sausage and coffee and he goes to pinch a loaf 

I'm in charge of the car so I gather everything 

A crowd of asians gather near the sand talking about how it's not sandy here,

How the bottom is rocky 

And then they go off in their dialect 

I act very local 

Walking past them without reserve 

Carefully stepping over sand with glass in it 

Positioning myself next to Dolly Parten 

(I'm serious, it might be her) 

She's wearing a headband to cover up her blonde fake extensions and 

She's wearing a purple bathing suit with tassels 

Lots of lipstick and Botox 

She gathers herself and moves

Into the sun where everyone must pass her to notice and where she can do the most damage to her skin 

"Your paintings are lovely sweetheart" (I might be adding the sweetheart part, it seems like something Dolly would say) " I was an art major in college, I used to love going to the zoo to draw animals, have you ever done that sweetheart?" I tell her no. Sometimes I'm not nice to strangers. I'm trying. I hate small talk... it makes my cheeks hurt. 

Anyway, 

He comes back 

The bathrooms were locked 

He chooses a teal 

Shorter board for his surf today

And steals my hair band to put his hair in a low poneytail 

He announced earlier today 

How attractive the waves are as we drove past the cows

I love this about him 

The preoccupation

The hobby 

His zest for the waves in a way I understand but a different form 

He uses them Under his body

I use them their shape their form their voice 

For paper 

For 

Words, paint 

Two dogs wander by looking lost and without owners 

But collared 

One with her utters looking full and inflamed as if she has just had children 

/// 

I feel a little out of control when I cannot read the emotions of the person across from me or on the other line 

I say the wrong things and he stiffens 

Across from me 

/// 

We talked about it sensibly of course 

He went surfing 

And I read a book 

He tried to discuss the speaker system inside the passenger seat of a car driving by and we walked past the taco stands and the tall jungle around them. 

I didn't really respond. 

/// 

I plop all of my things down into the sand 

My toenails are too long 

And my hair is stringy at my shoulders from the saltwater 

What are you reading 

The local asked me 

Tipping his finger toward my book 

I show him the cover 

He raises his eyebrow either to say 

" I'm not impressed" or 

"Never heard of it"

And even though he's a stranger I wish I was reading some book about wild birds or South Americas tide or something so he would say 

"Wow how intellectual of you, really" 

My butt is half showing because my suit has ridden up and it's awkward picking atbthat sort of thing while someone is staring at you

My cheeks are hurting again from small talk 

and I forget my sunscreen so I have to trample past him 

(Trample is how I feel, especially after the book incident) 

/// 

The fight was about surfing 

I was hot 

I wanted to get in the water and bob around a bit 

He abliged after suggesting a surf lesson from someone else and I said no 

My top came off 10 times in 10 minutes

Showing my bare breasts to the two young teens surfing next to me 

I was trying to paddle into the waves, communicate with max as he hollered instructions and also hold my freaking top on 

I caught one wave on my knees. It was nice. I hope max was thinking how sleek I looked up on the board holding my top on. 

Then I told him I had to go in

I was sick of showing my boobs off to anyone within ten feet 

So I turned the large 9 foot board toward the shore 

Max hollering about the rocks and the coral and such

A brief recollection crossed my mind of the taco lady from the cinnamon colored taco stand

Flailing her arms around while she deep fried corn tortillas

pointing toward the water talking about the young man who died last week on these rocks

My arms and legs started shaking as I paddled in, eyeing the sharp corners of the reef and rock under me

Adjusting my top so both of them were concealed hearing Max's voice get smaller and smaller

At the same time praying my life be spared 

(I forgot to thank him, thank you God for sparing me) 

I pulled in like a student driver who just flunked

The rocks were slippery and the board was heavy and blue like a forget me not 

Somehow the saltwater had pulled every ounce of snot down my lip from my nose and I had no arms to wipe it away 

It was right in front of the surfers tent that the tide decided to bring me in

They all stared at me 

The gazes glazed over 

Im sure they're either high or 

asking themselves if they should help me or if that would be even more embarrassing

This poor young new horrific surfing student I could hear them saying shaking their heads 

I stand tall and strong as if to say 

I'm not embarrassed 

I'm new 

I'm learning 

But the snot is everywhere now and I can't see because my hair is dangling in my eyes 

 

Not only that

It was their board I have and here I was dragging it on the sand trying to stabilize it with my hand while the cord wrapped around both feet tripping me 

It's freaking heavy

I almost tripped and fell 7 times before I took the cord off my ankle 

The Velcro hissing like fabric 

I felt dumb 

But surprisingly 

Upbeat. I didn't need their approval and i was beaming with joy that I still had all my limbs and that I had tried 

Max was frustrated. 

I didn't know if it was with me or because he was afraid I was going to kill myself 

I told him over a taco 

Up beat 

That he hadn't done a bad job teaching me 

When really i should have said, 

You did a good job 

Because it made him even more upset 

So I told him I needed a minute because he had seemed foul the last hour since we had crawled out, I said 

Wet and salty

But maybe it was me who was foul 

I asked myself 

But I felt upbeat 

He stated how he thought I'd probably never try again while I assured him I would and how happy I was that I did 

I was very upbeat, did I mention that part? 

But he was not. 

I scrounged around for reasons. 

I hadn't lost the board or the key yet. 

I felt I must have disappointed him or worse 

Made him afraid to ever try teaching me again, 

As he suggested,again,I take a lesson 

From 

Someone 

Else. 

We talked about it sensibly of course 

He went surfing

I read a book. 

__how to resolve an argument when it's not a big deal and your both just hungry really 

My friend, the Sun how I love and hate you

The sand is dark here 

Sort of the color of a camels butt

Not white or khaki like some beaches

Dense and damp 

With a clay consistency 

There is no one standing around combing the beach of all the dead leaves 

There are spots where the sand is packed down from traffic

Feet sluffing over and over 

The surfers with their thongs made of wet suits and the men with their golden hair, untamed, unbrushed 

All of this lends me more understanding of my husband 

And myself 

--- 

I guess I like that

The sun shifts his weight around 

That throughout the day you have to move your towel a bit if you don't want to come up from the beach the color of a rose petal dipped in lipstick 

The back of my legs have already taken a good slapping from the sun and I was in shade so thank you my Irish heritage 

I wish I could get blasted by Sun

Laying full out naked absorbing every ray 

Because I'm always so bloody cold 

I think this could solve my problem 

Instead I'm hiding from it so I don't spend all of tomorrow in bed

Bruised from the raking of its fingers over and over my thighs 

I wish I could hug the sun but you're probably my thinking like my husband does 

That is just ridiculous 

February sometime

The surfers 

They all do it 

Stand at the edge with their hands draped over their board or on their hips and they watch 

The waves crash over and over

And over and over 

I wonder 

Are they looking for a pattern 

A voice 

Some sort of established behavior of the maverick waves

Or are they afraid 

Finally they say yes to whatever it is 

they through their board down with resolve 

It takes the skin of the water 

It glides 

They go with it

The white of the waves clean them thoroughly 

And somehow 

Out there

They become alive 

Really 

--- 

We wake early this morning 

Our morning breath birthing out all over the room 

The alarm shreaking

His body rattling next to mine in search of it with half closed eyes

Well, should we go

He says 

His voice full of scabs and cobwebs not yet cleared 

Yesterday he woke me up just as a fullsized bunny was about to be placed in my hands I was so eager and excited and had not even felt it's fur

Throwing our legs over the bedside

Collecting our swim trunks 

Binoculars 

Keys 

We leave 

His board resting against his waste

My hair flopping in the wind like I like 

Unbrushed and salty from yesterday 

He goes about attaching the body of the board to the top of the car

I help him with the strAp like I always do from my side, the metal piece clunking the lid of the vehicle as I lunge it across and climb in 

We arrive at a little coffee shop

Always first 

Before the waves 

We meet someone from traverse city 

We hear the Hiss and Huss of the coffee machine we open windows we take to the beach 

We situate the towels 

Rub sunscreen deep into his back 

Pull his hair into a poneytail

I watch him the entire time carefully sneak peaks at the water 

It is teal this morning and alive with grief and story and caffeine 

And then he stands

Mumbling about the different breaks and where to get in and if they are clean (as if someone went dusting them this morning)

I nod as if I understand. 

He stands up, face lighting with the sun and the saltwater beckoning

This is where I see the surfers stand. 

Right at the edge. 

They all do it. 

Their hands draped over their boards or on their hips

And they watch the waves crash over and over over and over... 

Brother 3

If you decide to be homeless 

Taken by drink 

If this is what you will

Choose 

At least

Brother 

Let me take you to a place 

Where the sun is high and hot 

Where we know you will be warm 

Where no one will find you 

Frozen and without color 

Where you can search without gloves 

For exactly what your body needs 

I'm just lazy and introverted really the waves are too chattery

I would be a surfer I think if it means I could bob around in the water like the rest of them leaning in on their boards like theyre beds in the water, the water  carefully trickling over their shoulders and waists with their bums in the air and if it meant I never had to ever catch a wave or exert energy standing on said board or if it didn't mean I could fail over and over on the waves I would join you every single day husband 

Until then I will lay here with my book and my ginger beer and enjoy the exercise my eyes get watching you

Max

He is the kind of man that will not even notice if I wear socks with sandles 

Or my bathing suit top has not an ounce of black in it but I'm wearing black bottoms 

He cannot even tell the difference of makeup and no makeup because he isn't paying attention 

He would prefer me undone 

Careless with my shoes and tops

Hair loose or tight without curl or excess 

Skin flushed with the outdoors 

Or scarred with paint 

Mostly he is looking for joy I think

Rincon, Puerto Rico

Every single girl here 

Shows half of their butt 

I hike up the back of my swimsuit a little to look a little more local 

There is a swing here 

It is hanging from two ropes and from a branch that is well used and broken off 

It's a wonder they trust it 

But they do 

They keep smiling 

Each of them carefully draping themselves on the swing 

Taking turns for a picture 

Their blonde hair swinging here and there 

They're all smiling

Their butts showing 

--- 

The waves are not careful

They are violent and rash 

Yet calm and concealing 

They hold surfers 

My husband 

On the skin

And tropical fish in their belly 

It is a wonder that under the skin it is so calm 

So soft when we are often so violent within 

And so carefully smooth on the surface 

 

Bread and butter

The way the sun takes its knife through the trees

The butter of the woods 

The bread of my childhood 

You'd think it was the opposite.

But 

Somehow

Something about the over abundant constant chatter about one topic 

the constant 

Exclamation point 

The making sure everyone knows it's what you think and what you believe 

The loud and brazen content that's always clattering out says 

I'm really not yet sure of it myself. 

Ray

I don't say hi 

I know he doesn't remember me and 

It's ok 

It was over a drink when I said hello 

and my little brother says he comes there 

Religiously 

Ever single day

To hover over a scotch or a tequila 

Shoulders watching the room

The lapping dark hair falling loosely at his shoulders 

There is something there 

A poet or a musician 

Cradled in his fingers begging to be let out 

I've seen him rescue a bouquet of flowers twice now

Once, he ran after them 

His thick glasses rattling on the bridge of his nose 

He took them 

Even the drooping ones 

And stuck them in water 

Hopeful he'd get to squeeze a bit more color out of them 

I think

All those years of not crying

Of pressing them all into some room in my stomach

For years bidding them to stay back, stay alert, stay controlled, stay happy

Years

Of hoping I could hold them there 

I think that room has a slow leak now 

And it seems I cannot stop them 

Every winter there is a harvest of them 

The clouds bid them free 

My story bids then free

My family bids them free

Conflict or confusion or anger 

Bid them free 

I hope they aren't all going to waste

I hope they are falling on soil somewhere

Growing something